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The Porc-y Dilemma

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As you’re no doubt aware by now, I recently wrote a trilogy of articles on what I call “Miyazaki’sActionTrinity”. To say that I feel passionately about Hayao Miyazaki’s, and subsequently Studio Ghibli’s, work is an understatement, but despite tackling three of my four favourites from the man there was still a lingering anxiety. I was hoping someone else would notice, but given that no one has I’ll be the straw man this time: what about Porco Rosso? Isn't that an action movie too?



I have a confession to make: ignoring that the film wasn’t streamed during Toonami’s “A Month of Miyazaki”, Porco Rosso’s my least-favourite Miyazaki movie. I’m even, to be quite honest, a little cold on it. It’s not that it’s not a good movie, it is, but the typical feeling I get from the director’s other work is surprisingly absent. However, since stopping there won’t do my thoughts justice, I’ll do good on a long-awaited promise and explain why. Also, fair warning, spoilers.

Porco Rosso is about Marco Pagot, a WWI ace-turned-bounty-hunter cursed with a pig's head for abandoning the Italian air force. Porco spends his days tormenting the seaplane pirates of the Adriatic, and after his latest rescue pushes them to the edge they hire Donald Curtis, an American pilot with a headstrong personality and stellar reputation, to take him out. Fortunately, Porco survives their encounter, making his way to Milan to get his plane repaired and meeting the 17 year-old granddaughter of his prized engineer. The two challenge Curtis again, earn one-another’s respect, and maybe break Porco’s curse?

I’ll start with the positives before I address my critiques, as there’s a lot to like. For one, the movie is gorgeous. That goes without saying, it’s a Studio Ghibli film and a Miyazaki effort, but remember that there was a time early-on in Studio Ghibli’s existence where that couldn’t be taken for granted. So yeah, Porco Rosso still looks great 25 years later, a fact made better by its attention to detail in scenery and action. Everything from the way the planes move, to the damage they take during dogfights, to even the backdrops during the areal scenes are excellent considering that this was all drawn by hand. It’s also the last Miyazaki film to retain that 80’s-esque sheen before the digital age that was ushered in with Princess Mononoke.


The music is also excellent. This was Joe Hisaishi’s first Miyazaki score to fully-embrace an orchestra, and it shows. The movie also has a style reminiscent of jazz and lounge, no doubt a result of its smatterings of the piano and the occasional trumpet, making it unique amongst the Hisaishi/Miyazaki pantheon. My favourite piece is Path of Wind, which is used during the opening action sequence, although YouTube has taken down any videos containing it due to copyright issues. However, Madness/Flight, the tune used during Porco’s secret escape from Milan, is a close-second, and that track you can find here.

I like most of the characters in this movie, save Porco (we’ll cover him later). The Mama Aiuto Gang in particular steal the show as far as the pirates go, bearing the comical trademark of The Dola Gang from Castle in the Sky. Donald Curtis is a more competent Gaston, so he’s as loveable as he is brash and arrogant. And, of course, Piccolo, Porco’s engineer, is fun in an eccentric way (y’know, before eccentric became synonymous with excusing the awful behaviour of artists.) But I have to give it up to Fio and Gina, aka the film’s two starring women. Miyazaki’s no stranger to relatable and crafty female characters, and both exemplify that. I’d argue that they’re his best-written, which is saying a lot given that San and Chihiro exist.

Speaking of women, Porco Rosso, arguably, is Miyazaki’s most feminist-friendly film. It openly lampshades the sexism of 1930’s Europe by demonstrating how competent women really are. I think the best example is when Porco brings his damaged plane to Piccolo, only to reveal that all of Piccolo’s workers are his female relatives. He states that all the men are out looking for work, but that this is even discussed, let-alone resolved in a clever way, shows how forward-thinking Miyazaki was even in the 90’s.


Porco Rosso also has an excellent feel for comedy. I still maintain, to this day, that only three of the director’s films can pass off as legit comedies, and this is his funniest. My two favourite jokes are when a group of male sailors form an arrow to where The Mama Aiuto Gang had taken the kidnapped girls, and when the captain of a cruise-line casually announces that their ship is under attack by pirates. These are the kinds of witty jokes I wish I could write.

Finally, the movie’s themes about honour and self-worth are really strong. The comedic elements are fine, but they alone can’t make a movie good. Porco Rosso frequently touches on what defines honour, and nowhere is this more pressing than in Porco himself. On the surface, the idea of a man being cursed with a pig’s head isn’t a bad one. It allows for some interesting commentary on what makes a person human, and I think the visual image is neat. It’s too bad that it ends up being a moot point to Porco’s character, but, again, I’ll cover my issues with him shortly.

With all of these strengths, you’d think it’d be difficult to criticize this movie. Surely there’s some mistake, right? Well…not really.

Let’s get the biggest elephant in the room out of the way first: I don’t like Porco. I don’t hate him either, but I find him frustrating. While not oblivious to his curse, he seems to not really care that he’s become a pig. I remember Doug Walker taking issue with that, stating that it’s unexciting when no one questions something so noticeable, and I agree. The film feels muted over whether or not Porco having a pig’s head is an issue, and that’s off-putting.


Porco’s also a really cold character. The best example of this is when he brushes off Fio in the end, asking Gina to take her somewhere respectable and apologizing when Gina protests. Firstly, that apology should’ve been made to Fio. And secondly, the response he gives has never rubbed off well. I understand that Porco couldn’t be with Fio for a variety of reasons, like how Lupin blew off Lady Clarisse at the end of The Castle of Cagliostro, but it feels more like an example of Porco being a jerk than compassionate.

Also, Porco’s back-story, though tragic, isn’t too compelling. He’d abandoned his comrades after an intense dogfight that killed everyone else around him, and for that he was cursed to be a pig. It’s not an interesting, irrespective of whether or not it’s a “red herring”. That, when coupled with his coldness and apathy, makes feel cold when I watch the movie. It doesn’t feel Kosher.

Moving on, the dramatic moments don’t pack much of a punch, as they feel rushed for time. There’s a scene where Porco’s plane is shot down by Curtis and he goes into hiding, pretending he’s dead to inflate Curtis’s ego. He ends up calling a worried Gina from Milan, whereupon she yells at him and insists that he return home. When he refuses, she slams the phone and calls him a jerk. I think the movie should’ve shown Gina break down into tears, especially given what we know of her, but we’re never shown her reaction. It’s a missed opportunity for genuine emotion, a bathos moment, especially given Miyazaki’s penchant for tugging at the heartstrings.


Then there’s the final fight between Porco and Curtis. It starts out fine, with Curtis and Porco in areal pursuit, but then the two run out of bullets and land for a full-on boxing match. This’d be fine on its own too, but the match turns brutal and violent fast, with bruised faces and teeth flying out. In an older article, I’d asked if Miyazaki had lost a bet with someone when he directed this scene, and I still think that now. You could argue that this fight was foreshadowed in the movie Porco watched earlier on, but that doesn’t make it any less tedious.

I’m at a loss with Porco Rosso. Like Cowboy Bebop, I take issue with facets of its execution, including its emotional undercutting and frequent rushing of its dramatic moments. Unlike Cowboy Bebop, however, there isn't enough to compensate. It’s not as though the story is bad either, as it’s much better-constructed than Howl’s Moving Castle, and my complaints about that movie are far-more concise. But Porco Rosso really does leave me feeling a little cold. And that, I think, is its greatest problem.

Still, I have to admire its atmosphere. That alone makes it worth watching.

Heavy Storms 003: Lance N' Masques

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Jonathan is joined by Tama and Megan to look at Joe's pick, Lance N' Masques, a series equal parts stupid and femdom. What sort of lunacy awaits, why does everyone looked like a squished potato, and why has Jonathan decided that the terrible child who wears a maid outfit is now his son?



Click the title card and enjoy! Don't forget to watch Jonathan's gaming podcast IndieCent, hosted on the same channel!

Disney and Studio Ghibli: A Dubnalysis

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Earlier this Summer, I wrote a piece discussing the lasting impact Studio Ghibli's had on the West thanks to their partnership with Disney. Also this past Summer, said partnership finally ended, with GKids, an independent company that took on much of the dubbing and distribution of the studio’s latter releases, announcing that they’d handle any and all licensing of Studio Ghibli material henceforth. With the end of an era upon us, I figured it was time to look back at the Disney/Studio Ghibli partnership, particularly the voice acting. Let’s discuss Disney’s dubs as a whole, what worked, what didn’t work, and whether or not they were for the better. Forewarning, minor spoilers and major opinions inbound!



Before I do this, I’m setting a single rule: I’m only covering Disney-dubbed efforts. This includes all Studio Ghibli movies from Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind to The Secret World of Arrietty, as well as The Wind Rises because it was released under Disney’s Touchstone label. This won’t include Grave of the Fireflies, which falls under a loophole, or either Only Yesterday or Ocean Waves, as they were only localized once the deal had expired. Princess Mononoke, however, does count, as it was dubbed under Miramax when Disney still had shares in the company. And because it’ll most-likely be brought up if I don’t mention it, I’m including the North American dub of The Secret World of Arrietty. I know there’s an earlier British dub courtesy of Optimum Releasing, but Disney had a hand in the North American release.

Anyway, let’s get this party started!

One of the biggest complaints people lob at Disney’s Studio Ghibli efforts is their overuse of star power. Disney likes taking big-name actors and actresses and using them to promote their movies, and Studio Ghibli was no different. While this might be troubling, it’s more issue of how Hollywood treats its film industry. Film's an incredibly self-masturbatory experience here, with studio execs using and re-using hot stars, and animation is no different. If it makes anyone feel better, Steamboy, licensed under Sony, got the same treatment.

Admittedly, I can see why this’d be an issue: picking a hot-button star can backfire if your choice is wrong for the role, and while, with the exception of Blaire Restaneo in Tales From Earthsea, the execs at Disney never flat-out chose poorly, there were definitely casting decisions that left much to be desired. This was most-apparent in the earlier dubs, as their first three efforts, i.e. Kiki’s Delivery Service, Castle in the Sky and Princess Mononoke, were helmed by Jack Fletcher, an ADR director who screamed 90’s…for better or worse. Ignoring the additional dialogue, added music and licensing issues with Japanese pop songs (“Rouge no Dengon”, for example, was replaced with “Soaring” in Kiki’s Delivery Service), his dubs were the most-experimental and have, therefore, aged the worst.


Take Castle in the Sky: the two leads, Pazu and Sheeta, are clearly pre-teens. Fletcher, however, decided to use James Van Der Beek and Anna Paquin for Pazu and Sheeta respectively, no doubt to capitalize on the former’s run on Dawson’s Creek and the latter’s Oscar win in The Piano, and it shows. The two are the dub’s weakest elements, with Van Der Beek coming off as post-adolescent with a nasally voice and Paquin showing signs that she’d recently moved from Canada to New Zealand. It’s not entirely their fault, and they both seem like they enjoyed themselves during recording sessions, but, be it a combination of age and miscasting, they make their characters sound older than they should be.

That might be the only dub with that issue, but the weird casting of hot-button celebrities didn't end there. In Kiki’s Delivery Service, Tombo Kapori is voiced in the dub by Boy Meets World star Matthew Lawrence. He fits the role quite well, but it’s still a bizarre casting choice. Tombo’s nerdy persona could’ve been better-suited to other actors, so why Lawrence? The simple answer is that he was a Disney celebrity, but it’s curious nonetheless. A part of me is secretly waiting for Ben Savage to sneak up behind him whenever he speaks, seeing as the two played best friends.

Perhaps the most-interesting celebrity casting in a Fletcher dub was Billy Bob Thorton as Jigo in Princess Mononoke. A left-field call, Thorton plays his character with a calm tempo, completely contradicting Jigo’s character. It makes him feel too warm, ironic given how cold he is. I don’t mind the 180-flip, I think it’s inspired in a weird way, but it’s definitely jarring.


Fortunately, the experimental casting ended once John Lasseter took over with Spirited Away. Unfortunately, the celebrity casting didn’t. For his debut as dub overseer, Lasseter packed the cast with Disney celebs, including David Ogden Stiers as Kamaji and the late-Suzanne Pleshette as Yubaba and Zeniba. Since much of the ADR team was comprised of Pixar staff, he also fit John Ratzenberger in as a side-character. And in keeping with the general theme of hot-button celebs, Michael Chiklis and Lauren Holly were chosen to be Chihiro’s parents, with up-and-newcomer Daveigh Chase of Donnie Darko fame as Chihiro.

The most celebrity-centric a Disney dub would ever be is that of Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind. Not a single character of note in that dub isn’t a celebrity, including Alison Lohman as the lead, and it’s incredibly jarring. Fortunately, it clicks, with some roles, like Patrick Stewart as Lord Yupa, working brilliantly. It also managed to make Even Stevens’s Shia LaBeouf, who was a rising talent at the time, likeable as Prince Asbel.

In choosing these hot-button celebs, however, Disney left their respective careers with double-edged swords. LaBeouf, in particular, would explode in popularity shortly after his dub premiered, yet he’d never reach the same level of likability, or even be in a movie with the same degree of critical favour, ever again. Conversely, in the case of My Neighbour Totoro, the dub allowed for Dakota and Elle Fanning’s careers to really kick-off, while Porco Rosso gave a then-struggling Michael Keaton a stint as a voice-actor before Birdman would revive his film career fully years later. For the most-part, being in a Disney dub was like being in a Disney movie: it was gonna happen eventually, and for many of those involved it was a high-point in their career…for better or worse.


I say “worse” because not every celebrity would make it big. Daveigh Chase would fade in popularity over time despite her role as Chihiro. Uma Thurman would fade in popularity over time despite her role as Princess Kushana. Even James Van Der Beek would fade in popularity over time despite his role as Pazu. I don’t claim to know how the acting world works, and it’s hard to predict the careers of anyone, but it goes back to how choosing a hot-button talent is much like rolling the dice in a crapshoot game: sometimes it’s a boost to their career, while others it doesn’t help at all.

Fortunately, many of the Studio Ghibli dubs had a distinct advantage over other anime dubs of the past, present and future: hiring child actors for the roles of children. Disney’s run has seen many great child actors of their time, including the Fanning sisters as Satsuki and Mei in My Neighbor Totoro, Josh Hutcherson as Markl in Howl’s Moving Castle and Kirsten Dunst as Kiki in Kiki’s Delivery Service. Disney would even hire child voice actors exclusively for throwaway roles in Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind and Porco Rosso. It’s an important detail to note because good child actors are hard to find and train, and while an imitator could be a suitable replacement…it’s not the same. It’s not unlike buying canned lemonade versus reaming the lemons yourself: which do you think tastes better?

Additionally, Disney made inspired casting choices that no one else would’ve dared. For Whisper of the Heart, the roles of Shizuku and Yuko were given to real-life best friends Brittany Snow and Ashley Tisdale, while Mr. Nishi was voiced by veteran actor Harold Gould. The aforementioned My Neighbor Totoro gave the Kusakabe sisters to the Fanning sisters. Chihiro from Spirited Away is roughly the same age as Daveigh Chase was at the time of recording, as was Kirsten Dunst with Kiki. The only question marks were Frankie Jonas and Noah Cyrus as Sosuke and Ponyo in Ponyo. This was clearly meant to capitalize on Disney’s two-biggest brands, i.e. The Jonas Brothers and Miley Cyrus, but they did a solid job anyway.


Disney was also unafraid to cast real VAs for some of their side roles. Colonel Muska and The Mayor of Pejite were both voiced by Mark Hamill. Baby Boh was voiced by Tara Strong. Tress MacNeille became the go-to for many dubs, making her to Studio Ghibli what David Ogden Stiers was to Disney and John Ratzenberger was to Pixar. And Maurice LaMarche and John DiMaggio both got roles in Pom Poko. But the coolest casting was anime-legend Crispin Freeman as Prince Justin in Howl’s Moving Castle. It might’ve been a wasted role, but it was a dream come true for him and a nice nod to anime fans.

One of the often-ignored details in Disney’s dubs was their use of songs. Some films, like Whisper of the Heart, would localize their song selections, but many wouldn’t. Susan Egan actually sang “Les Temps des Cerises” in Porco Rosso…in French. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, William H. Macy and Werner Herzog all sang “Das gibt's nur einmal” together in The Wind Rises…in German. Ignoring how some of the actors would also don foreign accents to fit their roles, this is the kind of commitment that you wouldn’t expect if Disney didn’t care.

The final point I’ll make, going back to criticism, is that some of the dubs would change their respective songs for a Western audience. This either worked in the film’s favour, like in Princess Mononoke, or worked against it, like in Kiki’s Delivery Service. The biggest offenders, however, remain Ponyo and The Secret World of Arrietty. The former remixed the end song into a synth-rock ballad that’s hard to listen to, even if it’s only in-film for a minute. Conversely, The Secret World of Arrietty had Cécile Corbel’s beautiful ballad, which she politely translated into English for the UK release, replaced halfway by a generic tune that Bridgit Mendler, the protagonist’s VA, sang. These decisions confuse me to this day, but, thankfully, they’re not deal-breakers.


Would I say that Disney’s Studio Ghibli deal worked out? Yes. It might’ve been a financial strain, something I’ve already covered, but it was definitely seeped with passion. There were some casting decisions that were weird, or some song choices that were bizarre, and I’m not always fond of how these films were promoted and distributed on DVD, but you could tell that everyone involved genuinely cared. I only hope GKids cares that much now that they own distributing rights. I haven’t been let-down yet, but you never know!

Anime Runner

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Confession time: I’m not a big fan of Blade Runner. Ignoring a sex scene that may or may not qualify as rape, the movie’s also way too slow and the antagonist’s closing speech doesn’t resonate personally. It’s possible that I’d need to re-watch it, it’s definitely been a while, but while I respect the movie for its impact on film culture, as far as Phillip K. Dick film adaptations go, give me Minority Report.



I mention this in light of some news from Kotaku about an anime short-film called Blade Runner Blackout 2022. Chances are that it’ll have debuted on YouTube by the time this piece goes live, but I figured I’d share my thoughts anyway. And to be perfectly honest, I was debating if I should write this on Infinite Rainy Day, or if it should be an exclusive on my personal blog because “general film culture”. But I decided to go for here in the end, albeit a bit late. That half of my week was gone because of the Jewish holiday of Rosh Hashanah didn’t help much.

Here’s what I know about Blade Runner Blackout 2022: for one, it takes place several years after the events of the original film, presumably as a tie-in to the upcoming Blade Runner 2049. The short will, as indicated by the title, take place during a blackout. My guess is that it'll play out as a small-scale thriller, akin to a science-fiction version of a Hitchcockian classic. That alone shows promise, as Hitchcock once made a movie about two guys hosting a party in a room where they’d buried a man, called it Rope and, despite initial dissatisfaction, crafted a classic. Small-scale thrillers, when done well, have real potential.

And two, and this needs emphasizing, the choice of director is particularly-inspired: Shinichirō Watanabe. Watanabe’s one of anime's greatest living auteurs, right up there with Hayao Miyazaki, on the directing front. His style of collage-esque, cinematic directing has brought classics like Cowboy Bebop and Kids on the Slope to life, and even when a project is a mess (see Terror in Resonance) he still leaves a mark. So Watanabe directing anything, let-alone a Blade Runner spin-off, is a big deal, not to mention exciting.


I’m especially excited because of the potential this has for cross-market appeal. Remember how disappointing the live-action Ghost in the Shell was, despite looking faithful to the source material on the surface? Part of that was a misunderstanding of what made the original material work, as well as a lack of anything new to offer. Blade Runner being adapted into anime, by Watanabe-san no-less, could have the opposite effect; after all, not only has it inspired other classic anime, like the aforementioned Ghost in the Shell, but it’s being helmed by a legend in the anime world. Even if the end-result is disappointing, it’ll make a mark by the sheer fact of talent involved.

And honestly, I think that’s great. The West has long damned anime as “bizarre”, not taking into account the nuances of the medium and its ability to tell serious and complex stories. Anime fans know this, but the West has still to fully understand the gravitas of Eastern storytelling. Factor in that both West and East have a tendency to cross-pollinate their ideas-one could argue that Blade Runner has had more of an impact on Japan than here-and there’s real potential for enhancing the legacy of a classic film.

Besides, wouldn’t it be great if the anime adaptation of a Hollywood film outdid the Hollywood adaptation of an anime film? A sort of twist on expectations? We frequently say that anime adaptations, like video game adaptations, are doomed to fail because Hollywood doesn’t understand what made them work, so why not have that claim shattered? Why not have the anime show Hollywood “how it’s done”? Wouldn't that be neat?


Really, I want this Tweet that was sent to me recently to become invalid:
“When I think Blade Runner and anime, I think Ghost in the Shell.”
Think about the implications of that: Blade Runner and Ghost in the Shell have become so closely-connected, as the former inspired the latter, that they’re practically cross-cultural companion pieces. Wouldn’t it be great if Blade Runner Blackout 2022 became another link in the discourse? Wouldn’t it be great to point the above Tweeter, who happens to be a huge Blade Runner fan, to some franchise media in anime form, if only to encourage conversation? I certainly think so!

And yes, there's always a chance that this’ll be a failure. Not only is film that unpredictable, in that something can go wrong at any point during production, but Shinichirō Watanabe’s directorial prowess is notorious for going off-the-rails when not backed by a guiding hand in the writing department (see the aforementioned Terror in Residence). Not to mention, he's not the most-inspired writer, as evidenced by his solo scripting credit in Cowboy Bebop. But I'm still hopeful. It could go both ways, but we’ll know for sure come September 26th.

Disaster Report: Dog & Scissors

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So stop me if you’ve heard this one before: there’s a story about a teenage boy.  He’s not particular good at social graces, lives alone for entirely contrived reasons, and generally doesn’t have a high opinion of himself.  Then one day he unexpectedly does a good deed; maybe he saves a child or stops a criminal.  The nature of the deed doesn’t really matter as the end result is that he ends up dead, only to be reincarnated in some wacky form which puts him into contact with at least half a dozen pretty girls who all fit within any number of otaku-friendly stereotypes.  Naturally, this is all based on a series of light novels by no one you’ve heard of in particular.

What I’m trying to say is that Dog and Scissors is not a very original show.  Indeed, the only thing that would make it more predictable would be to send the protagonist to a fantasy world that may or may not be a literal video game.  Nonetheless , it does have a few qualities to distinguish it from the dozens of other shows with similar premises.  For example, this time the protagonist reincarnated as a dog.  There’s also the fact that Dog & Scissors is seemingly purposefully committed to being 12 episodes of the loudest, fatuous, and tedious nonsense possible.

There’s ostensibly a plot about a Kazuhito Hirumi, an obsessive bookworm who finds himself at the business end of a shotgun.  He ends up reincarnated as a long-haired dachshund who ends up in the possession of Kirihime Natsuno, a.k.a best-selling author Shinobu Akiyama.  She wasn’t looking for a pet, mind you; she was just interested in getting a test subject for her sadistic tendencies and her ever-present set of silver shears.  I wish I could give you more of a plot summary beyond that, but one of the major flaws of this series is that it doesn’t really have any idea of what its plot should be.  Is it a series of half-baked mysteries centering around our canine protagonist and his mistress?  Is it a demented sort of romance between a sadistic tsundere and a snarky boy in a dog’s body?  Is it something of a harem series, since so much of the supporting cast are cute girls who serve either as Kirihime’s rivals or figures from Kazuhito’s past?  Is it a bawdy comedy making the most of the implications of being someone’s dog?  Dog & Scissors can never truly decide, so instead it tries to be all of them.  The show seems to jump almost at random from one concept to another, something doing so drastically within a single episode.  Since it can’t commit to any one narrative, all of them are neglected as a result, leaving the show utterly adrift from beginning to end.

The one thing Dog & Scissors does commit to is pounding what few “jokes” it possesses deep into the ground.  I say “jokes” because despite what the writers may believe, none of these reoccurring gags are the least bit funny.  Most people would be turned off by the fact that many of them revolve around Kirihime (and occasionally others) threatening to torture and kill Kazuhito with shears or other sharp objects. Others would find themselves driven to the brink of madness over this show’s obsession with mocking Kirihime’s bust size (even when she isn’t in the scene).  It also seems to think that fanservice and talk of S&M are jokes onto themselves, which suggests that for all of this show’s talk of kink its writer is still very much stuck in an adolescent state of mind.

Its approach to character writing is no different.  All of our cast members can be summed up in one or two quirks, all of which are hammered into the viewer’s eyes and ears as frequently and loudly as possible.  This means that most of the women on this show are mind-bogglingly annoying, be it Kirihime’s masochistic editor Suzuna, Kazuhito’s obsessive little sister Madoka, rival author and wanna-be idol Maxi, the apologetic, suicidal sadsack classmate Hami, or the handful of lesser though no less irritating secondary characters.  The only relief from the nonsense comes during the brief moments where Kazuhito tries to be sentimental, but since these revelations are just as hackneyed as the rest of the story, they are in no way effective.  Overall, the show’s sense of humor lies in a bizarre uncanny valley of humor – an unfunny valley, if you will.  It lacks the structure and focus necessary for traditional humor, but it’s too stupid and repetitive to be truly absurd or random. 

Not shockingly, the show also looks terrible.  This was made by Studio GONZO, an animation studio that has sunk deeply in quality since the days of Last Exile and Gankutsuou.  At their peak, they were notorious for the uneven quality of their shows, but ever since the 2008 recession their output has been positively dire.  Dog & Scissors is no exception to this trend, with its inconstant (and sometimes After Effects-assisted) animation and gangly character designs.  Even the opening is grating, a cacophony of chatter, squeaky singing, loud noises, books, and dog eared girls dancing badly.  In some ways, it’s the perfect 90 second summary of the show, but mostly it should be a warning to any fools who dare to watch it.  The only thing remotely good about this show was Sentai Filmworks' dub for it, to my great surprise.  The writing and direction lends the show a touch of snark and irreverence about itself, and the voice cast is full of many of Sentai’s best and brightest, including Blake Shepard, Luci Christian, and Brittney Karbowski.  Their efforts aren’t enough to polish this turd to brilliance, but it did help to make watching it a little more palatable.


For something that was so tedious to watch, it’s shocking how little there is to say about it.  Despite only being four years old, it’s already been relegated to the trash bin of anime fandom’s memory, a show to be skipped over while browsing the HiDive library.  Whatever shock value or curiosity the title might merit evaporates the moment one watches it.  It is simply nothing but animated sound and fury, signifying nothing and loved by none.

Cobra Commander: A Hot-Take on Anime Discourse

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Hey everyone, guess what? ANIME’S FOR PEOPLE UNDER 15!


This never gets old! (Courtesy of RobboLeeWatchesThee.)

Now that I have your attention, allow me to discuss something that’ll probably be old by the time this goes live on Infinite Rainy Day:


This is Andrew “Cobra King” Tate, an MMA fighter and former member of Big Brother. He’s become the target of controversy for his…let’s say “unorthodox” opinions on Twitter. Whether it’s his stance on depression, his blatant transphobia, or any of his other Tweets, you can expect Andrew Tate to say something that’s impossible to ignore. I should know, I’ve Blocked him.

Lately, Mr. Tate’s been subject to another controversial opinion, this one gaining the ire of Otakudom. On September 26th, everyone’s favourite hot-taker had this to say:


“If you are over 15 and like cartoons you are a loser. Anime dragon ball Z etc. No excuse. Plus ANY woman loses respect for you. Grow up.”
There’s a lot to unpack, but I want to point out how bizarre it is that Otakudom has only now realized how awful this man is. Why wasn’t the anime community writing hate mail when he ranted about how depression isn’t real? Or when he mocked gender dysphoria by forcefully demanding that everyone call him a woman? Why anime?

I guess mental illness and queerness are too real for some people. But I should probably jump on the bandwagon and deconstruct Tate’s claim anyway. It’s clearly an opinion, and not his most-political claim to-date either, but it’s still unfounded. It also doesn’t help that, if you’ll recall, his Tweet started a storm not unlike that of Devin Faraci. And, as you’re all aware, I went full-out on him too.


Anyway, anime’s a vast medium with range. Unfortunately, we think of it in the West as being childish, due in-part to the history of animation here, and the material chosen for TV doesn’t help. I remember watching shows like Digimon and Pokémon as a kid, as well as bits-and-pieces of Monster Rancher and Dragon Ball Z. I also remember catching glimpses of Sailor Moon whenever I went to my next-door neighbour’s house, as both of their kids were girls. I think my biggest shame was merging these shows in my head to keep me occupied, but that’s a whole other subject…

I mention this because, yes, I can see where Tate might be coming from. Anime has lots of kiddie content, and if your only exposure is daytime television, then I can see why that might colour your outlook. Because the aforementioned shows, going by their original syndication, were pretty childish. And that's worth acknowledging if I’m to rebut this claim.

This issue here is phrasing. If he said “I think anime is for children”, I wouldn’t be writing this. I’d simply think, “I don’t agree with you, but okay!” and move on. However, because he framed this as a fact, I have to play referee. Because he made this personal, and I take issue with that.


I don’t think anime’s only for children. I’d be horrified if a child saw Attack on Titan, due to how violent it is. A show like High School of the Dead would make me question your parenting if you showed it to your kid, largely due to its unashamed T&A. Even outside of that, there’s lots of material that's inappropriate for the young’uns for a variety of reasons. Anime has range, and ignoring that is ignorance.

Even on the end of kid-friendly, there’s material that’s appropriate for all ages. Princess Tutu looks like your typical ballet show filled with silliness, but in reality it’s quite mature and disturbing. The show deals with ideas of destiny and agency, as well as abuse, neglect and whether or not we really are in control of our lives. And all of this to some of the best use of Classical music I’ve ever seen. How many kids would understand this show, let-alone appreciate it for what it is?

Why stop there? Digimon might be a kid-friendly adventure-fantasy series, but re-watch it as an adult. Some of the subject matter, especially in its third season, is quite dark and uncomfortable. The show tackles adoption, sibling inferiority, divorce, neglectful parenting, death, murder and yes, even child abuse. This, I’d argue, was one of its biggest strengths, but it’s also material that children wouldn’t fully understand. So yeah, two examples off the top of my head, and I’m no expert!


Putting aside the part about children, anime can be as complex as anything live-action. Cowboy Bebop has a reputation as one of the greatest shows ever, and it’s far from kid-friendly. It deals with love, betrayal and self-worth, and that’s only the opening montage! That it has episodes dedicated to revenge and lost-love is indication that there’s more than meets the eye, but I suppose that doesn’t matter if anime’s meant for people under 15.

Ignoring the nuances and intricacies of an entire medium of work really undermines Tate’s claim. Not only is he not an expert on anime, but he belittles those who know it well. Like Roger Ebert, who was openly moved to tears by Grave of the Fireflies. Or the Wachowski sisters, who are such big fans of anime that they’ve dedicated their careers to mimicking its tropes. If you think that anime is juvenile, Mr. Tate, then shouldn’t you consider these individuals juvenile too?

Oh, and that claim about women? I know plenty of women who respect and appreciate anime, some personally. I’m even tempted to pull out the “masculinity so fragile” card, but you’ve probably gotten it enough as is. (It fits you well, however…)


Overall, this is a poor’s man argument that got blown out of proportion, and all because he didn’t realize what he was implying. (Or perhaps he did?) That said, I won’t grow up until you do, Mr. Tate. And as for everyone else? If you choose to challenge him, remember that instinctively-emotional responses won’t work. Because Andrew Tate doesn’t care, and he most-likely won’t care until Twitter bans him for his disgusting rhetoric about depression and gender dysphoria.

Heavy Storms 004: Nakaimo (WHO IS IMOUTO!?)

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Jonathan finally gets his revenge on Joe and Tom for making him watch terrible things by unleashing Nakaimo - My Sister is Among Them on them! Also, former seasonal reviewer Danni is here for no apparent reason! Who is imouto!? How will the gang save the imouto cafe!? Why didn't Jonathan realize that this episode format still requires him to watch this terrible show!? All these questions and more will be answered in the newest Heavy Storms!

Click the title card and enjoy!

PokéMEH: My Problem with Gen 2

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I was the prime age group for the Pokémon franchise growing up. I was 6 years old when the original games came out, and I remember peering over the shoulders of my peers as they battled via Link Cable. I received my first set of playing cards for Chanukkah when I was 7, bringing them to school and naïvely trading my holographic Machamp for a fake Charizard. There was also the TV show, which, together with Digimon, would comprise my after-school and weekend TV block. But it was my 9th birthday surprise of a Game Boy, complete with a copy of Pokémon Yellow, that really got me into the world of Pokémon, especially since I rarely received video games as presents growing up due to the expenses of Jewish day school. That was easily the greatest birthday gift ever.


I mention this because, despite being a Pokémon fanatic growing up, I never played any of the later entries. I knew they existed, thanks to the show and console outings from other franchises, but it wasn’t until high school/university that I exposed myself to them head-on. And for good reason, as Gen 2’s games, honestly, kind of sucked. They weren’t terrible, but they lacked the charm of their immediate predecessors. It feels weird saying that, what with their popularity amongst the fandom, but there’s no other way around it.


I’ve written about this before in a rant that no longer exists, but I feel it’s worth repeating because time has sharpened my prose. It’s especially worth it since someone on Twitter reminded me of my disdain for Gen 2. There’s a lot to dissect, but I’ll narrow it down to its broken levelling system. Besides, some of my critiques, like the incomplete character arc of the rival, I’ve come to peace with.

Gen 2, or more-specifically Pokémon Gold/Silver/Crystal, has a broken level cap. It’s not that the games themselves don’t work, as they do: they’re well-made, mostly-fun and occasionally-gripping RPGs that build on the previous generation’s mechanics. However, in terms of how level grinding, i.e. the feature that allows the player to progress through the game, functions here, well…it doesn’t. At all. It gives the illusion of functionality, but it’s not.


The key obstacle is two-fold: firstly, the game’s progress bar, which is used to level up your Pokémon and is accessible in-battle, grinds super-slowly. It’s the gaming equivalent of watching molasses: slow, boring and tedious. It starts off fun when your Pokémon’s at a low level, but as you get further along it begins to drag. What once was exciting is now dull and repetitive. What once was quick is now arduous. This is an issue with RPGs in general, don’t think Paper Mario’s guiltless, but here it’s especially bad because Pokémon is meant to be for little kids. Even by adult standards it’s much, and I’ve learned patience!

This ties into the second, and bigger, issue with the levelling feature: enemy Pokémon. Let me explain.

See, the Pokémon games use their levelling similarly to other RPGs. True, badges are equally important, but the levelling feature really highlights player skill. This is most-apparent in the Pokémon themselves, many of whom change shape, or evolve, once they reach a certain level. Levelling is important and exciting, especially when taking down stronger opponents. If you want proof, see how excited you get when you finally defeat Whitney’s Miltank after losing a dozen times.

The complication is when level grinding starts becoming tedious, a fact made worse by wild Pokémon. One of the elements that made exploring Gen 1 so exciting was finding new, wild Pokémon with higher levels than your party. You’d have a party of Pokémon in the 20’s range when, suddenly, you’d encounter a Pokémon at level 30! This presented an opportunity for level grinding, something that’d help you later on. Sure, it might’ve been annoying when your Pokémon all fainted from the fight, forcing you to “black out” and re-spawn at the last Pokémon Center, but when you won? Instant levelling up for those Pokémon involved!


Gen 2 doesn’t match suit. I’m not sure if the programmers were lazy, or if they wanted Kantō feel like a worthwhile attachment (more on that later), but in the process of repeating what worked before, they actually made level grinding worse. You could be heading to a gym with Pokémon who are way out of your league, that’s to be expected, but if the wild Pokémon don’t meet your challenge level, well…you’re screwed. You can either have your rear handed to you on a silver platter, losing in-game money in the process, or you can trek through the tall grass, wait for underpowered Pokémon to appear and slowly-but-surely whittle your way through low-reward grinding. It’s boring!

This is especially a problem once you face The Elite Four. In Gen 1, the path to Indigo Plateau was lined with guards who’d only let you pass if you’d acquired badges. This not only ensured that you’d be ready for the challenge up ahead, but it made sure that your Pokémon were levelled enough to fend off wild Pokémon, many of whom were pretty strong. If you passed the 8 tests, you were free to roam the grass, water and cave of Victory Road as you pleased, all-the-while levelling up your Pokémon. You even had the option of catching Moltres, furthering the challenge and preparation for The Elite Four.

Gen 2 isn’t that exciting. Gone are the guards, and the only obstacles in your way are your intuition and patience. Additionally, the wild Pokémon are vastly under-levelled. The Elite Four have Pokémon that are easily in their 40’s, yet the strongest Pokémon in the wild is level 30 at best. Unless you’ve either saved all of the combat for one or two party Pokémon, or even spent hours tediously grinding, you end up in trouble. And given that I always play my Pokémon games levelling my party equally, because you never know when that’ll come in handy, that’s asking for irritation.


But let’s say you do beat The Elite Four. Then what? You’re invited on a cruise to visit Kantō and train there for extra badges. The cruise itself isn’t so bad, but the Kantō portion bugs me even more than the Johto portion. Aside from Kantō being a hackneyed version of the Kantō people loved in Gen 1, because limitations, the region also magnified the levelling issue from the first-half of the game.

How do I accept the rerouted master plan of Gen 2’s Kantō if the wild Pokémon don’t match my progress? There’s a problem when your end boss, i.e. Red, has Pokémon in their 70’s and 80’s, yet the trainers, gym leaders and wild Pokémon are lower levels than the trainers, gym leaders and wild Pokémon from the first-half of the game, right? I’m not kidding either: the programmers might’ve rearranged the region to fit the new model, but they didn’t rearrange the wild Pokémon’s levels. As a result, you can be halfway done the region, come to a gym that was already in Gen 1, and yet see Pokémon that aren’t even in double-digits. How does that work?!

It’s a shame because the ideas that work, like the introduction of a clock that runs on real-time, almost make me forget that the game’s broken. I’ve also heard that the Gen 2 remakes, Pokémon Heart Gold and Pokémon Soul Silver, fix this problem, making it almost seem moot now. But even so, Gen 2 is a broken generation of Pokémon games, and that saddens me. It saddens me because it marks the beginning of the core entries’ downfall, and it saddens me because most fans refuse to acknowledge my complaints. I’m not saying you have to agree, but if I can’t get through a series of games meant for kids without getting frustrated, and I’m an adult, then what gives? Have we become accepting of brokenness because of the advancements over Gen 1?

Blade Runner Blackout 2022

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My colleague Whitly wrote about the announcement of Shinichiro Watanabe's Blade Runner short recently. Now that it has been released, it's time to take a look at the short itself. You'd think this would be for the sake of the reader in order to say if it was worth watching or inform them of details they might have missed, but really, this is almost totally for my sake. If I may be allowed to break my playful-yet-analytic tone to open the fanboy vents for a moment....

...HOLY SHIT, A NEW BLADE RUNNER MOVIE IS COMING OUT AND IT SEEMS LIKE THEY'VE DONE EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER NOT TO SCREW IT UP! Blade Runner is one of my favorite movies of all time (though I do admit it's something I have to be in the mood for, and even with the final cut, there's still not a definitive version), and the new movie looks amazing. Aside from getting Jared Leto instead of David Bowie because of that asshole cancer and an odd shuffling of composers (I want Vangelis to play my funeral. The music is of upmost importance here), the cast and crew is pristine. The trailers have been nothing short of jaw-dropping, especially the retro-future cyberpunk aesthetic with the U.S.S.R. still being a thing and Atari maintaining status as a monolithic mega-corporation towering over everything in fluorescent lights. THIS IS MY HOLE! IT WAS MADE FOR ME! I'M EXCITED AND NOTHING THE INTERNET CAN DO IS GOING TO STOP ME FROM BEING EXCITED!


Deep breath, and back to our regular programming. When it was announced Watanabe was doing a prequel short to the new movie, my excitement compounded. In the extraordinarily picky parts of my mind, I would've preferred one of the directors from the eighties or nineties when a ton anime was dictated by the consumption of Western culture. The art direction for any future cityscape from Bubblegum Crisis to Akira was pretty much handing over a piece of paper that read, "BLADE RUNNER," and someone from that era directing could've made one fascinating cultural echo chamber. But cel animation is a thing of the past, talent like Koichi Mashimo (Director of the first half of Dominion Tank Police which lifted the police station design directly from the Ridley Scott film) aren't faring well on the creative front these days, and hey, you have the fricken' guy behind Cowboy Bebop who has already proven he can handle these kinds of projects from his two shorts on The Animatrix, an anthology that has only gotten better with age.

Before we discuss the animated short, "Blackout 2022," we must first address the shorts that came before it, which means...


REAL PEOPLE! Your world of waifus will return shortly... unless you consider Dave Bautista a waifu. I do not judge. Watanabe's work is the last part of three shorts that clue the viewer into what's happened in the 30-year in-story gap between the original and 2049. Mostly, the first two are meant to introduce major players Niandar Wallace (Leto's character) and Sapper Morton (Bautista's). The director Luke Scott was picked by 2049's helmsman Denis Villeneuve to showcase his work, but the style of both of them almost entirely mirrors the look from the new movie. The real difference comes from the actors themselves with Leto's creepily mechanical method acting ("Thank you. For. Your. Patience.") and Bautista's easy humanity mixed with brutal physicality. They are both punctuated by moments of visceral violence that are hard to watch, however. These are good, but they're obviously meant to be appetizers that aren't fully satisfying until the main course comes around.

"Blackout 2022" is an entirely different beast. While Watanabe got to work on two stand-alone shorts in The Animatrix, this is more akin to Mahiro Maeda's "The Second Renaissance" which explained the advent of the machines that would rule the world while giving a brief glimpse into Hell to boot. The story in the Blade Runner short covers the defining event that separates the first movie from the second: A blackout that led to the prohibition of replicants, artificial humans used as slave labor and other specific tasks. The Tyrell Corporation, seemingly undaunted by having their genius founder's eyes gouged into his brain by a Nexus 6, unveiled the Nexus 8, replicants with the lifespans of humans. To balance this, the federal government created the replicant registry on Earth. The result is a human supremacy movement that looked up and murdered (sorry, "retired," according to this universe's language) every replicant they could get their hands on. In response, terrorists cells led by replicants attempt to destroy the registry in one night.



Since massive scope isn't exactly Watanabe's bag, the work goes instead to his standard two guys and a girl setup (He's rarely gone a project since Macross Plus without it). The lead is escaped soldier android Iggy, who saves sex replicant Trixie from attempted rape. Two out of the three shorts feature attempted rape. I know these works by their nature don't have oodles of time to establish character, but there has to be less lazy and icky way to do it than half the R-rated movies from the eighties and nineties. Anyway, they initiate their plan with the help of human sympathizer Ren and most of the short takes place the night of their operation.

Aside from a brief appearance by Gaff, Edward James Olmos' multi-lingual policeman who played mind games with Harrison Ford's Deckard in the original, that's really all there is to the plot of "Blackout 2022." It's a very no-nonsense, cut-and-dry short down to visuals. Watanabe does his best to recreate the look of both the old movie and the new movie. The text prologue maintains the red underlining of words like replicant while an impressive animated mockup of the Los Angeles from the opening of the original scrolls across the screen. When jumping to the story proper, the overhead wide shot is very close to a shot used in the trailer to 2049. These touches are intentional and perhaps maintain too much reverence for the source material.

What this has the feel of is a sequel that is hewn too close to the original. The story is different, but elements are overly familiar. Iggy and Trixie have the same sort of relationship with Ren that Roy Batty and Priss had with J.F. Sebastian except Ren is quite a bit younger and is turned with a different sort of temptation. Symbolism from the previous work is forced like the appearance of a dove familiar to those whose memories are lost in time. It's not just Blade Runner, either. Many plot elements will be familiar to those who've seen Terror in Resonance, and even with Watanabe's one original visual flair showcasing Iggy's experience in warfare as a moving watercolor painting devouring all within it, it cuts a bit too close to the backstory of Vincent, the villain from Cowboy Bebop: The Movie.

All of this would be forgivable since it's a short, and most of it still is. The issues arise with the script, which is occasionally clumsy and ham-fisted. One of the best subtle details from the 1982 film is whenever the light reflects off the eyes of a replicant, revealing a red glow. This is used in "Blackout 2022," but couldn't be simply underlined in a scene where Iggy talks about how they'll only be able to identify them by their red eyes after all of this. The shots then hold on Iggy and Trixie's eyes for five seconds. Remember how I said it was a SUBTLE detail in the original?


I've been ragging on this short for awhile, but it's still pretty good. Call it impossibly high expectations. When Watanabe has a Hollywood budget, he tends to use it on fluid hand-to-hand combat when he can, and here he's transfixed on Trixie's flexibility and movement. Take Pris' gymnastic abilities and inject them with steroids. Trixie gets to fully flex when she takes on a wall of guards with style points. Music in a Watanabe joint is also a highlight, and this is no different. Rather than his constant collaborator, Yoko Kanno, the composer this time around is Flying Lotus, an L.A. music producer/D.J./filmmaker who is aptly able to do the same genre-bending Kanno is famous for throughout the short.

In his work lately, Watanabe hasn't had brilliant shows as a whole so much as brilliant moments. Kids on the Slope is a minor story in so many ways, but has more than enough scenes like "Lullaby in Birdland" that captures the perfect emotion the moment requires. Parts of Terror in Resonance are thinly written and I don't think the leads quite thought their plan through, and yet the ferris wheel sequence is as amazing as some older film critics describe every single second of cinema from the 70s. "Blackout 2022" has a few of those, even if they are smaller. The previously described scene with Trixie is one, and so is how the ending shot calls that back to the beginning of the short with the changed meaning between both.

The dubbing by Sentai Fimworks is fine. With the exception of landing Edward James Olmos for ten seconds (which is probably a bigger deal in my mind than it actually is), it's a fairly standard anime dub that's performed well, but with the usual archetypes in voicing. Not that the script gives them much room to stretch. The characters are generally downplayed and poor Ren only gets about five lines, one of them an overly on-the-nose reference to the original.



What "Blackout 2022" turns out to be is ultimately a standard Blade Runner-inspired story that just happens to be taken as official canon. It certainly has its qualities and aside from not charming leads (Not that this works in particular needs it), utilizes the strengths of its director well. What keeps it from being elevated to something more is its lack of the source material's want to challenge the viewer (At least, the later cuts) or the sequel's confidence to take up the gauntlet of making something separately just as original and creative in the same universe. Good is good, but one can't help but think it might've been something more worthy of excitedly ranting about at 5 a.m. My drooling mess of a first couple paragraphs certainly showed I was primed for it.

Anime and Hollywood: A (Non-)Discourse

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How about that Neo Yokio? Don’t worry, I won’t discuss everyone favourite, meme-generating, anime-wannabe. The reason, aside from it being redundant, is that it’s reductive to discuss why the show’s bad if I haven’t watched it yet. Besides, I think it’s irrelevant to the greater issue, namely the anime bubble slowly starting to burst in the West. Because it is.



Before I discuss the greater implications, we need some context. A few years ago, I wrote a piece on Infinite Rainy Day about how anime’s perceived in the West. Said piece was recently followed up with a rant about Andrew Tate, but in my original post I said:
“…[A]nime can, in fact, be great. Some of the greatest shows ever are anime-related. Some of the greatest movies ever are also anime-related. It’s not a matter that’s up for debate, the critical praise and accolades speak for themselves. Calling anime ‘fetish porn' would be like calling movies ‘trailer trash’: it’s offensive to those involved in making them.”
I hold the above to be true even now. Yet it seems like that long built-up disdain is starting to fade. What once was a niche form of entertainment is now becoming, even if slightly, mainstream. On one hand, this is exactly what we want as fans. On the other hand, it’s also everything we’ve dreaded. And that’s because of how anime’s being re-contextualized now that it’s hot.


The West still has several misunderstandings about anime, as well as why it’s appealing. For some, it’s that weird form of entertainment no one understands, yet is cool to discuss anyway. For others, it’s that weird form of entertainment no one understands, yet no one wants to discuss at all. And for even more, it’s that weird form of entertainment no one understands period. If you want proof, a well-meaning, pro-Israel rally that I went to a while back used an anime girl as a stand-in for BDS.

Like it or not, anime’s becoming a part of Western discourse. Much like how Game of Thrones is a de-facto point of water-cooler chat, so too is anime becoming a semi-de-facto point of water-cooler chat. And nowhere is this more-apparent than in how Hollywood execs are reacting to its burst in popularity. Or, rather, what Hollywood execs are presuming is anime’s sudden burst in popularity, seeing as it’s been somewhat popular for a while now. As such, we’re seeing Hollywood cater to anime fans. Unfortunately, it’s not the catering we want.

Remember how I said that anime “can be great”? Hollywood finally gets that…but they don’t get why. Instead, they’re busy scratching their heads in confusion. They know it’s popular, and they know it generates money, but how to capitalize on that in the best (read “laziest”) way possible? The results are varied: in some cases, like Ghost in the Shell and Death Note, the answer’s been to remake them into live-action, Westernized film adaptations. And that, as you’re no doubt aware, has proven disastrous and embarrassing on multiple levels.


And then there’s Neo Yokio, which goes a step further by actively making an Americanized anime for Netflix. There’s a lot I could say about why this attempt fails harder than the aforementioned movies, but I’ll avoid that because, like I said earlier, I’ve yet to watch it. Either way, be it a remake or an original, Hollywood’s taking note, but for the wrong reasons. It’s the equivalent of that “How do you do, fellow kids?” meme the internet loves. And it couldn’t be more on-point.

The frustration is that Hollywood tries way too hard to break into currently equitable markets. Sure, capitalize on anime! It is, after all, as much a business as an art form, and any extra money pumped into it is greatly-appreciated. However, don’t treat it only as such. Anime’s also an art form, and any art form dies when there’s no passion. (I’d argue that passion’s the sole reason anime’s still around, but I’ve already covered that.)

It’s especially frustrating because anime’s influence in the West need not be so blatant to work. Ignoring film remakes and Neo Yokio, we’ve had several cartoons pay their dues to anime. South Park, for example, has a Cthulhu episode that rips-off My Neighbor Totoro, right down to lampooning the movie’s theme song. On the more subtle end, Avatar: The Last Airbender, arguably one of the greatest shows ever made, blends anime art, storytelling and themes with Western sensibilities, such that one need not know anime to appreciates its influences. Essentially, imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery, but only when done lovingly.


But we can argue this all day and mistake the forest for the trees. It sucks that a live-action your name. is in the works, yes, and we could stand for less Neo Yokio, true, but it’s not the harbinger of death that so many make it out to be. I’d even argue that this is the first step to fully appreciating and accepting anime in the West. It wasn’t so long ago, after all, that comic book movies weren’t taken seriously and video game films didn’t try at all. It’s frustrating that Hollywood’s dragging its feet, not getting anime and fumbling all-the-while, but isn’t that the first step? Should we allow Hollywood to stumble before flying, or are they doomed to fail?

Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana (Vita)

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Either the Ys franchise is doing way better in Japan than here, or it is surviving on the will of its makers Falcom alone. The series had at least moderate name recognition in the U.S. with its solid third rendition, Wanderers from Ys, showing up on Super Nintendo, Genesis, and the Turbografx CD if you were one of those rich bastards who had that (The game was named by EGM at the time as one of the worst sequels ever made. Naw, dawg). After the cluster that was Ys IV (Falcom handed it over to two different development companies who made two different games, and neither came to the States or were considered the "official" one), the series disappeared over here until Konami published Ys VI: Ark of Napishtim, but the heat was gone. Even when XSeed picked up the rights to a bunch of remakes and started pumping out resources and sweetening the deal by licensing their fantastic soundtrack CDs, it only made a small dent in market. Ys Seven (Yes, without the Roman numerals) was released on the PSP and its success was limited by the success of the system. Ditto for Memories of Celceta on the Vita, a game that was supposed to be both a somewhat reboot/prequel AND the official Ys IV made by Falcom themselves. Did you get all that? There's so much odd history that your name. director Makoto Shinkai is actually involved as he made the opening to a remake of II back in his early days.


After that confusing mess of a history, Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana is here with as good of a shot as it's going to get on a bestselling console in the PS4 (And Vita if you're like me and find it weird playing a new Ys game on a home console after over a decade of 3DS, PSP, and Vita releases). With an unwieldy name (Lacrimosa is Latin for tears and a plot device, and Dana is a main character. Savvy?) and a sturdy action RPG formula, does the franchise still have something to offer modern gaming? Sure, all good games do, but while it's not always for the best to just follow trends, sometimes there's a fundamental flaw of franchises that come from a time when console power was measured in bits that can't be overcome without a serious reboot in concept. And Ys already sort of rebooted recently.


The Ys series follows the exploits of Adol Christin, an adventurer described as "a young man with flame-like hair and dark, pure eyes – like those of a curious child," by the art book blurb. The sad thing about that line is it covers about all there is to the character. With decades to develop a franchise leading man, Adol has never really advanced past "guy you play as." I get in role-playing, there are characters where you're supposed to slip into the role, but Adol is obviously his own person. They try to give him a backstory in Memories of Celceta, but it's all bland and forgettable. Even with new conversation options, it changes nothing about him and how others treat him. He comes out of an experience where he literally has to slay a god the same as he came in, and there's something downright weird about that. Besides his best pal Dogi, the people around him and the women he risks life and limb for bounce off an emotional bubble that never absorbs anything past pleasantness. I joked on my Twitter he has no time for other people because after wielding immense enough powers to pierce the heavens and literally saving civilization the first couple times, it became an addiction with Dogi as his enabler. However, that would at least be something to work with if that were true.

The franchise has a new focus in that Adol wrote dozens of adventuring journals and each title is one of them that he eventually uses to write books out of. This is an odd bit of texture for a series full of odd texture. It's a fake fantasy world, but the geographical nomenclature is childishly familiar. In his journeys, Adol constantly runs into the Romn empire, there is much made out of the mysterious continent of Afroca, and one of the main characters in this entry is from Greek. No, not Greece. Greek. Get with the naming scheme. So this is essentially the age of exploration where a Roman-esque empire is still in power and every single mysterious island and country has a sealed weapon/ being of mass destruction that could level continents which is at the brink of falling into the wrong hands.


In this entry, Adol and Dogi are traveling on a ship towards their next journey, not knowing fate has another location in mind. Lining up with history for whenever Adol has one of the most powerful weapons in the world from his previous adventure, he immediately loses it and has to start all over. In this case, a powerful sword from the Xandrian region of Afroca, making this just after Ys V, even though it's a game following the retconned official entry of Ys IV. You just get used to the timeline jumping after awhile. Anyhoo, the ship Adol's on gets attacked by a giant tentacle monster and sunk, causing him to lose his ace equipment and get shipwrecked on the Isle of Seiren.

As is customary for wherever Adol winds up, it is not just a normal island, but one hiding a secret that could determine the fate of the world. Nobody who has gone to the island has ever returned. Dinosaurs that have been extinct for centuries called the Ancient Species are roaming about and even the herbivores seem more than a skosh aggressive. He has dreams about a woman named Dana, a maiden-in-training to the Great Tree, a worshipped plant that grants energy which allows her entire civilization to run. While she's a troublemaker who often doesn't give a second thought to ignoring protocol, her instincts and visions have saved the capital city multiple times. While Adol is having dreams about her, Dana is having visions about Adol traipsing about the ruins of her civilization and trying to figure out how this happened to prevent it.

While exploring the consequences of Dana changing history with the castaways who are living through the results would be trippy as hell (It's more she makes things that allow them to progress), the game takes a more traditional JRPG narrative as it goes along save for the castaway village setup. Adol's job as explorer is to find the survivors from the shipwreck scattered across the island and send them back to where a camp is being constructed. The villagers each add their unique talents like farming or tailoring to the mix, and as you get more people, you can clear a path that was previously blocked, though there is a somewhat humorous event if you find a noble who gives you the exact number you need to clear a path, and then he refuses to help you, leaving you one short. Jerk. You eventually get items and extra conversations by doing subquests for them or trading for special items they like with the stranded merchant.

The castaway group also gives you main party members, and you eventually get six to switch between in groups of three. The enemies each have a weakness to three different types of weapons, so you'll ideally want one of each, and–at least for me–the rest of the party tends to fall by the wayside. They include Laxia, a noble archaeology enthusiast with decent skills at the rapier, fisherman Sahad who evolves a fighting style with a broken anchor, and Ricotta, a little girl who swings some big weapons. They're a likable enough bunch, if not doing much to break the mold. When there are swarms of enemies with multiple different weaknesses attacking at once, it can be annoying to switch between characters while fighting them one at a time.

The whole idea is to create a figurative family you get through this ordeal and grow with. The characters range from predictable and irritating (That noble guy) to off-the-wall (A 70-year-old former gladiator with abs named Silvia. Ys VIII granny gladiator for Smash!).  It's not far off to say one of the best characters is the parrot you find on the island. I won't say anything more since it's best if you simply remember to talk to the parrot from time-to-time and let it surprise you. There is an odd part to all this where Adol has a seeming harem of attached or unavailable women. They're obviously not romantic interests (The man doesn't seem much interested in sex anyway. Hey, if he doesn't want to get down, he does't want to get down), but the weird comes where the chemistry that would normally be reserved for the characters you can romance in similar titles is used here for... mothers of six who probably have romance novel heroes that look kind of like Adol and ten-year-old girls who found their first crush. Don't misunderstand, it's all perfectly innocent. Most times if you wanted to do something like Persona social rankings with Adol Christin, this is how it would turn out. Granted, before Persona 5 showed people who, GASP, were heavily implied to have sex when they reached a certain point in a relationship, the kisses on a cheek our hero receives here were like getting to second base in most JRPGs that weren't made by outright pervs.

I make fun of Ys stories because they're going to run tradition into the franchise's grave, but there is a huge saving grace to all of this. I get the feeling Falcom knows Adol is not nearly as fascinating as everything around him, and their idea this time around is having a second main character. Dana's story doesn't take nearly as much time as the trek of the present, and you'll likely spend most of it figuring out where in the winding temple and city roads to go, but this whole game is built around Dana if you couldn't tell from the title. She has a high position in her society, but she loves her people and will often betray her "proper" behavior to help them or simply be among them. She is one of the shortest people of her race, yet one of the most powerful. She is looking at her visions of a future where everything she knows is in ruin, finds she can change little things, and if this means she has to push through a group of priests and even friends who think she might be mad, she'll do so (random note: her best friend Olga's hair feels like a road sign that got molded into a hairstyle). She is the pathos and drive of the story, and by golly, she earns it.

The gameplay and music are the reasons most people still hang around this particular part of the JRPG universe, and the quality is up to snuff with the rest of the series. The interface is pretty much a refinement of Memories of Celceta with a mix of action RPG elements and Metroid exploration. You move through the great unknown trying to map out everything while looking for supplies, discoveries, and survivors. You will need to find extra abilities to fully explore the swamps, jungles, and whatever gets in your way. Some are typical like a double-jump, and some are odd Jesus powers, like literally the ability to walk across water. You get rewards for simply mapping out the area, which is a carryover from Celceta where you were given rewards for mapping the area because that what the Romn empire was paying you to do. Doesn't make as much sense here, but it adds to the idea of Adol also being an explorer on top of monster slayer.

The combat is basic action RPG spiced up enough to keep it interesting. You have your basic slash, which eventually becomes more of a device to power up your special move meter. To keep from being a complete button masher, you have to wait a second for the weapon to flash, and then you can make a hit that builds up that meter for special moves. The special moves can be assigned to the four main buttons with the assistance of a shoulder button and can be customized to your whim. They range in what they can to from dealing heavy damage to knocking the enemy out cold for easy hunting to simply allowing you to get in a better position to attack. Using these moves effectively fills out another meter that allows you to unleash an ultimate attack to be used at strategic moments. Also in play is a dodge mechanism that will eventually sends you into witch time... except it's not called witch time, of course. This freezes time and allows you to go to town for a few seconds. You can also do the same thing by deflecting an enemy attack, but this is harder to do. The dodging feels less tight when attacking, like it makes it extra punishing for attacking too often by delaing a fraction of a second more than most games do when you decide to stop attacking and start evading. It doesn't make much of a difference though, since this is one of the easiest Ys games out there.

While the system is robust and doesn't get old throughout the gameplay, the execution feels more simplistic than other entries in the series due to the difficulty. I played on normal, and only had trouble with two bosses where you're forced to use one character (And one of those inflicts the worst status effect in the game and you can't leave the area to get more items that fix it). Usually at this setting, there are a few encounters that are like bullet hell shooters where you memorize the movements of the boss to be able to take it down without being wrecked. With Lacrimosa, the bosses are far more forgiving, and healing objects are more widely available. You can have a doctor mix them, you can cook them, or many raw materials hanging around the island have enough healing properties to be eaten on their own. You can beat the bosses most of the time by mashing and occasionally dodging. If I want to be honest, I had to turn down the difficulty on a couple bosses in the modern Ys games (I'd put that era at Oath of Felghana on). That never happened here. Trading accessibility for rewarding the gamer in mastering the system is only a crime depending on individual's taste, though. I'm sure the cult of Dark Souls would whap it with a newspaper for kowtowing to more casual gamers.

Graphics are the usual effort from Falcom in which it feels like a PS 3 holdover with only a few flashes of inspiration. The textures and detail all feel out of date, but it only really matters in the instances of supposed awe in exploring the lost civilization. It would work better if the full-on views of city ruins, massive irrigation systems, and curious black holes in the earth weren't often blocked by mounds of dirt and railings meant to keep the characters from constantly hopping off cliffs. Functionality definitely cramps the style. Falcom also utilizes whatever gets the job done for their narrative cutscenes. Traditional-looking animation, 3D CG, whatever. The same location will be handled differently in the same sequence to jarring effect. Unless you're dead-set on graphic quality, it's not so much of an issue like most Falcom games, but it's still only barely up to the company's definition of par.

Now the Falcom Sound Team jdk's music, that's where the aesthetics are at. The game starts with a main theme featuring stirring strings and keeps going. Piano, electric guitar, and violin pieces for the individual areas are met with pumping beats to keep you going. It's what I've come to expect from this group, though maybe too much of what to expect. Tracks here can be swapped with other Ys games willy nilly and you wouldn't notice that much of a difference. When they've got awesome jams down to a science, it's hard to be too down of them.

In what was a weird coup, the localization was not by usual Falcom collaborators XSeed, but by NIS America. People at XSeed expressed disappointment in the turn of events as much as they could in public. It might be a sign of things in the future as Falcom's stab at being having a modern Persona-like game, Tokyo Xanadu, was published by Aksys to mixed results. The translation here has come under similar fire, causing NIS America to apologize and issue a translation patch. Now, phrasing like "Archeozolic Big Hole" is a big red flag, but maybe I've been down the Engrish rabbit hole too far as I didn't notice it too much. JRPGs often utilize such dodgy English in core concepts that it doesn't phase me anymore. If you don't speak both languages (Me, I'm at the level of, "DUH, "RI" IN KATAKANA IS 'ri' UPSIDE DOWN!"), how do you know when it's a translation issue or when it's a JRPG just being itself?  Granted, Archeozolic Big Hole in NISA's official English translation being called the Crevice of the Acheozolic Era in English on the JAPANESE version of the soundtrack probably should've been been a sign.



I must say, though, the limited boxset is beautiful. The coveted soundtrack is a decent sampling of what the music has to offer. I have no idea when I'll ever use the cloth poster or the bookends, but they're well made. The steel case is not made for the Vita version, however. The art book and the journal are fine and showcase how much thought was put into it, even if the journal is eye-crossingly boring to read. Adol, man, you gotta' get a better personality than nice guy who kills gods and then writes about the architecture of the ship you traveled on to get there.

Ys VIII is exactly the kind of game I expected it to be, maybe a little more thanks to Dana's addition. It's a well made and fun action RPG with a decent enough story to see my way through to the end. Unfortunately, it's also one I will forget in a year's time, like the rest of the Ys series I didn't grow up with. The plot eventually addresses the constant escalating of enemies in Adol's life and creates a blueprint for future adventures to make it not seem like he's tripping over ancient secrets that could end the world with no rhyme or reason the rest of his life. The only thing that can stop him from his future journeys is himself, really. I'm not asking for the gruff, world-weary Adol Christin with a beard and a thousand-yard stare, but I don't think it's unreasonable to ask a hero to be more than just a red-headed piece of titanium that bounces through hell and back with no damage or tarnish. Heck, even that would be more interesting.


Heavy Storms Halloween '17: Highschool DxD

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It's finally here! Jonathan, Megan, and old staff member Walt, the old Miracle Train crew, reunite to tackle all three seasons of Highschool DxD for Halloween! Marvel over the endless discussion of boobs, light novel lunacy, and, for some reason, Ragnarok.

Click the title card and enjoy!

The Predatory Hentai Game Publisher SakuraGame

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On August 11th, 2016, a game went up on Steam called Super Star, developed by a group called SakuraGame. Yes, it's all one word. They're a development house stationed in Hong Kong, China, and they released four games into May of 2017. Then, they released something called Material Girl, a game not listed as developed by them, only published. The developer for that game was Dieselmine.

Dieselmine is a hentai circle.

My original article was going to focus on this angle, but then I found out more, and the story grew from a very strange tale of a group of Chinese devs getting poorly translated hentai games on Steam to one of predatory business tactics and sheer ineptitude. This is the story of SakuraGame, a failed mobile developer who's cheated and stolen from names both big and small, capitalizing on the groundwork left by some of the scummiest “developers” who have ever used Steam.



SakuraGame is headed by a man named (supposedly) Patrick Zu. He resides in Hong Kong, at least according to his Twitter account (@Nighthawk_seven) and a Chinese blog I tracked down from his mentioning of it on his Steam page. Originally, I was amused by how odd his group was. I think the games they have labeled as theirs were made by them, or at least by developers working closely with them who wanted their work on Steam, since the early releases have said developers hanging in the discussion forums at times. Super Star has given me a good few hours of laughs (THEY JUST TRACED OVER AN ACTUAL PICTURE OF SHELDON FROM THE BIG BANG THEORY), while Hell Girls was just poor, enough to convince me there was no reason to try any of their other games. I couldn't peg down just what sort of studio they were, since they didn't really seem to have much consistency between releases beyond bad translations, and then they just started releasing literal porn games from other developers on Steam. They even use screenshots in the original Japanese because they're already made and they don't have to wait to start advertising the game before they make progress with the translation.

I'd be fine with all of this, and even kind of love them for the sheer openness of their messy practices, if not for a particularly nasty piece of news I came across.


The developer of a game called New Glass shared some information on their dealings with SakuraGame, and none of it is good. Basically, negotiations to get the game on Steam started poorly as the developer wanted a higher price and more from royalties and such. When they asked for a contract, their game's name was misspelled, among other mistakes, and when they asked to see some sales data, they said no. After, they said the dev should just finish the contract (despite how easy it could be for them to change it after they got the signed agreement), and then said dev found out how poor quality the translations were. Then they saw their game has a Steam page. They hadn't agreed to anything yet, and they hadn't sent them any game files.

Things get worse. It turns out the company is a mobile dev group, with Super Star being a combination of three of their failed releases – and it directly traces over art from Love Plus, among other work I'm sure. They're a group that outright steals from others and tricks hentai game circles into bad deals. Everything they've released is ridiculously cheap, enough for them to make a profit, but not the devs who actually made the titles. You can also bet they're profiting from the Steam card system that every scummy dev under the sun has tried to abuse, which would explain why they offer refunds so ready and available.


See, there was an influx of people releasing games that were just Unity store base assets meant to be used by devs needing something completed to work with and learn from. The most famous of them, Digital Homicide, were counting on making money from abusing the Steam trading card system. Games released on Steam could include cards that would be unlocked as you played via random drops, but getting a full set to make badges would be impossible without trading or buying on the Steam marketplace. With some bots and a lot of key giveaways, you could make a pretty penny without any significant effort. That abuse has been ironed out a bit now, but with SakuraGame selling titles for so low, they can easily reach the required sales quickly to gain access to the card system.

All of this makes their terrible translations suddenly kind of vile instead of amusing (simply a product of sheer laziness instead of language barriers), especially when you realize they're actively making these games worse in other ways. In a game they helped put on Steam called “Cat Girl” (not the actual name), all of the hentai scenes are already unlocked at game start, making the entire point of the game meaningless. Wild guess that the developer never intended to have that done. Add in their no strings attached refund policy and it all starts to smell pretty quickly.


If you've been thinking of trying something they have on Steam, don't. The sheer amount of disrespect they show for other developers and artists is inexcusable. No matter how so-bad-its-good Super Star was, I don't want to support people hunting and using the hard work of others for dirty money like this. You shouldn't either. If you're genuinely interested in the games they've been publishing from other parties, go find them on DLsite or DMM, maybe find the devs and express interest in proper translations. There's no need to support the business practices of people ripping off the hard work of others.

Okami: Best Zelda Game?

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Okami and I share an interesting history. I’d originally heard about the game in 2006 when it was still a PS2 exclusive, but I didn’t go out and buy it because I didn’t own one. Then it came to the Wii in 2008, yet I still didn’t buy it right away. It wasn’t until my 20th birthday that I requested it as a gift out of sheer curiosity, whereupon I fell in-love with it…for a few months. I wouldn’t have gone back had I not been prepping for something special, although that was definitely a mistake. Because, no holds bar, Okami’s excellent.



However, upon replaying the game, I was reminded of a feeling. I felt it when I first picked up the game 7 years ago, and I kept feeling it when I frequently returned to its music over the years, but nowhere was this more present than in my most-recent play-through. Considering that I’ve recently crossed another game off my intrigue list, The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker, I’ve noticed plenty of design and core gameplay elements overlap from the respective franchises. Essentially, Okami feels a lot like a Zelda game. And not any ordinary Zelda game, but the best Zelda game.

Since I’ve joked about this before on Twitter, I’ll mention what makes Okami feel similar to the Zelda franchise. Both are hero’s journey stories that centre around “the chosen one” cliché. In the Zelda franchise, a hero, Link, must fight a great evil, Ganon, and rescue the heroine, Princess Zelda, over and over again. In Okami, a heroine, Amaterasu, must team up with her companion, Issun, and defeat a great evil, Orochi and, later, Yami, in order to save Nippon. Both franchises go about this differently, the Zelda franchise being more conventional and Okami Japan-centric, but the core idea is still present in them.

Both franchises are rooted in open-world exploration. The Zelda games, in particular, encourage it with their non-linear over-world mechanics, requiring you to travel back-and-forth over a vast land/ocean/[insert place here] to complete the game. Okami, while more orderly in its exploration, also requires you to travel back-and-forth to complete the game. Both franchises thrive on scavenging, rewarding you for scanning every nook and cranny for items and trinkets.

Both the Zelda games and Okami are filled with non-playable characters, or NPCs. Said NPCs often require direct communication, lest they contain clues to help you progress. Sometimes, these NPCs are integral to your current objectives, and sometimes these NPCs are optional. It makes the games’ worlds feel real, furthering engagement with the player.


Both franchises utilize platforming in their dungeons. Both have massive dungeons that require travelling back-and-forth, backtracking and working your way up different floors. These dungeons have puzzles that require critical thinking thinking to solve them. They also have special items, be it weapons or Celestial Brush techniques, that can only be found in those specific dungeons. And they have bosses that can only be defeated with these items.

Both franchises also use real-time action in their combat. During the fights, you’re locked into combat with your opponent, only leaving once you beat them. This allows you to switch up your combat techniques on-the-fly, which in turn forces decision-making: is this enemy easily penetrable with my sword, or should I try something else? Should I turn my opponent’s attacks against them, or not? Should I engage my opponent in combat at all, assuming I have that option? These are all factors that heavily influence these games.

Visually and musically, both franchises push the envelope of their respective consoles. With the Zelda games, this is pretty obvious, as every entry has strived to produce some of the highest-end music and visuals their respective Nintendo consoles were capable of. Okami, while limited by the PS2, pushed its console to the limit with its Sumi-e art-style, which holds up 11 years later. And its music, which leans on Japanese instrumentals, is the same. Factor in the catchy melodies both franchises are notorious for, and you have a recipe for success.

Finally, both franchises have gimmicks that match their consoles’ strengths. With Zelda games, every entry has made use of what the Nintendo platform was famous for, be it Mode 7 scaling, portability, Wii motion controls or touch stylus controls. These features have made them feel unique, even when they were treading familiar territory. With Okami, its gimmick also pushed the limits of the PS2’s hardware and controller aesthetics late in its lifespan, and its Wii and PS3 ports followed suit. Because both franchises excelled in their gimmicks of choice, the end-result was that much more successful.


You’re probably thinking, “Okay, you’ve listed why these franchises are similar. I get it. But didn’t you say that Okami was better? What makes you so sure? What could this one game possibly do better than an entire franchise?” It’s subjective, but my personal preference for Okami lies in the details, and how it does them so uniquely and wonderfully.

The Zelda franchise, for the most part, keeps relying on the same conventions with its hero’s journey: the hero, Link, fights the villain, Ganon, and saves the maiden, Princess Zelda, from harm. This has been done so frequently that it’s pretty much a running joke. And while it’s played around with, at the same time it’s so overdone that, after 30+ years, it feels somewhat stale.

Okami goes for something unique. For one, our heroine, Amaterasu, is out to purify Nippon, instead of rescuing the same damsel over and over (even though there are damsels that need rescuing). Two, that Amaterasu’s busy purifying the land means that there’s more of a connection to the world. And three, every time you help the trees, grass, people or animals, you gain experience, or praise, that allows you to level up your powers. All of this encourages exploration, and while the game can feel more linear than the Zelda franchise, due to its objectives taking precedence, at the same time it feels more personal.

The objectives are also more clear-cut than the Zelda franchise. In a typical Zelda game, your clues are vague and cryptic, forcing you to think outside the box. Said clues also frequently rely on franchise knowledge to figure out. This isn’t an issue for a veteran, but a newcomer will get stuck figuring out why a puzzle has to be solved a specific way, especially when it’s not obvious. I’ve yet to play a Zelda entry without the need of a walkthrough at some point, even when the entry’s relatively easy.


Okami’s much more straightforward. One could argue that it’s “too straightforward”, but having your objectives be clearer is better for the uninitiated. Objectives are usually spelled-out, with crucial clues in red text, and oftentimes they require and encourage NPC conversations to complete. That, too, ups the level of connection to Nippon. It also makes solving the puzzles feel less frustrating, as they don’t lean on past franchise knowledge (not that there’s any to rely on anyway, mind you!)

This encouragement of NPC interaction in Okami also allows for deeper attachments to their personal stories. Fans of Zelda can debate me if they desire, but most of the NPCs there feel inconsequential, almost window dressing, even when they’re integral to the overall gameplay. Some have stories, true, but they’re rarely engaging on a personal level. Okami’s NPCs feel trope-y, but they act with the illusion of agency and depth. They have backstories and character-arcs, and I’ve found myself emotionally-moved by their predicaments.

Then there are the dungeons. Ignoring the easier puzzles for a moment, or that Amaterasu can jump, the dungeons in Okami are more straightforward. They’re more linear, but they’re also less confusing to navigate. This confusion is one I have with even the easiest of Zelda games. Okami’s dungeon linearity is also much easier to process in my mind, which is important seeing as I’m a visual learner.

The combat in Okami is also vastly different. With Zelda, it’s truly open-world, meaning that you can avoid enemies, for the most part, whenever you so desire. With Okami, however, once you’re locked in battle, you can’t escape until you win. Some battles are even mandatory, further upping the stakes and investment. Plus, Amaterasu relying on brushstrokes during fighting means getting creative to win.


Visually, Okami’s quite distinct. The Zelda games frequently switch-up their art styles, to varying degrees of success, while Okami’s Sumi-e art is pre-set. Admittedly, and this isn’t quite fair to say, the Sumi-e style also gives the game an identity above the rest. It’s also aged well, and, even after several ports, the woodblock style masks the game’s graphical limitations. Not to mention, its style gives its in-game characters more emotion and personality.

The music in Okami’s also distinct. The Zelda games, while they have excellent music, often rely on the same theme on-loop for their over-worlds, with slight variations in special circumstances. It can, therefore, become tiring to hear the same song over and over without stop. Okami’s over-world themes loop too, but it has severalofthem depending on which part you’re in. They also have slight variations depending on where in the three major areas you are, meaning that Ryoshima Coast and N. Ryoshima Coast don’t sound 100% alike instrumentally. Oh, and let’s not forget those gorgeously-arranged tracks that play when you purify a Guardian Sapling, shall we?

Finally, the primary gimmick is more compelling in Okami. Not that the Zelda games don’t have cool gimmicks, but they often don’t fully-utilize their consoles’ control schemes and tie-in with their visual aesthetic. Additionally, some of them, like the time-travelling in The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask, drive me crazy with frustration. And when the gimmick is frustrating, there’s a problem. There’s a problem because the game’s not fun, and when it’s not fun, well…why play it?

Fortunately, Okami’s core gimmick is also, not surprisingly, its core aesthetic: drawing. Even with the Wii version not being as smooth as I’d hoped, the paintbrush concept in Okami isn’t only fun and exciting, it’s creative beyond belief! It forces you to think outside of the box immediately, and the learning curve’s so shallow that picking it up is easy! I can’t begin to tell you how fun it is to draw bombs, or mess with fire, ice, air and water to progress to new areas.And the constellations are as cool to fill in as they are to see come to life.


I could go on about why I love Okami more than the Zelda franchise, but that’d force me to repeat myself. However, while I recognize that it’s incredibly subjective, I wouldn’t be saying all of this if it weren’t true. It’s not even like Okami’s impervious to criticism (why can’t I auto-save again?), but when the flaws are far-outweighed by strengths, well…who am I to complain?

Pokémon: An Ode to 1000 Episodes

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Wow…1000 episodes…well, that’s 20 years for you, right?!


I’m sure that most of you reading this have at least a passing knowledge of what Pokémon is. Not only did it start in the mid-90’s, back when many millennials were growing up, but it also caught the world by surprise. It’s hard to imagine it now, but there was a time when adults were so confused by “Gotta catch ‘em all!” that the franchise was viewed as “the enemy”. It was so foreign, it even gained the ire of Evangelist Christians, who dubbed it “Satanic” in their sermons. How time flies…


Normally I’d avoid discussing the TV series unless I was desperate. Today, however, is a unique situation. I’m still desperate, but Pokémon has achieved the unthinkable: not only has it managed to survive for 20 years, it’s also reached its 1000th episode milestone. I know the longest-running anime series has been syndicating since 1969, but that’s still a big deal. To some, Pokémon is old enough that they’ve gown up with it existing. It’s not unlike how The Simpsons has been the cornerstone of a generation of adults, even if it’s long surpassed its prime.

For relative figures, I’m 27 years-old. I was 7 when Pokémon first syndicated as a show, and 8 when it first arrived in North America. I wasn’t even into it initially, opting to change the channel when I first saw it on TV during my annual vacation in Florida. It took a good few months of letting the games stew in my mind, which translates into me watching over other kids’ shoulders during recess, before I was ready to embrace it. The rest is history!


It’s easy to criticize my entertainment preferences in hindsight. For one, Pokémon hasn’t aged well. The dub, courtesy of 4Kids Entertainment, is pretty crusty by today’s standards, even if it’s far better than much of the company’s later efforts. Even once you get past that, the actual writing is awful. Contrivances, plot-holes, like how Ash was constantly able to win battles despite being incompetent, and cheap loopholes plagued the episodes, and it only got worse as time went on. Couple that with additional seasons that served to tie-in with the newer games, and you’re left with a cheap cash-in to a much better product.

And two, I liked pretty much anything I watched as a kid. For a variety of reasons that I won’t divulge, I didn’t have many friends growing up. The outside world was scary, so fictional entertainment was enough to keep me occupied. I was the kid who thought garbage like Kangaroo Jack was hilarious, after all, so my standards weren’t exactly high. This made me the prime target audience for Pokémon, and I used to throw tantrums whenever I missed the latest episode. Even with Digimon, its rival, being smarter (and having aged better), there was no denying that Pokémon held a special place in my heart, cheesy songs in the dub included.

I eventually grew out of the show in middle school, where Yu-Gi-Oh! was the hip trend. But while I left Pokémon for other shows, Pokémon never really “left” pop-culture. Even after the show switched distribution rights, to the dismay of fans, it still kept a presence on TV and video. Pokémon wasn’t going anywhere, not so long as the games still had their captive audience, and people were gonna have to accept that. So while I might’ve moved on, it didn’t.


All-the-more reason why Pokémon hitting 1000 episodes is a big deal. To be honest, long-running Shonen is a common trend in Japan. Shows like One Piece have been around since the 90’s too, and they definitely have their audiences. But they’ve yet to amass 1000 episodes, or even have a sliver of the cultural impact that Pokémon has had. To-date, Pokémon remains the first show that pops up in most people’s minds when they think of anime, and-for better or worse-it’s shaped how the medium's perceived. So for this iconic series to hit 1000 episodes? That’s significant in more ways than one.

So here’s to you, Pokémon! Here’s to your long-standing success, your incredibly-awkward writing and tonal issues, and the impact you’ve made on a whole generation of anime fans! Here’s to the weird memes, the in-jokes and the awkward edits that ruin the intent of the original scenes! Here’s to your English-added jukebox tunes, and your obnoxious theme song that won’t leave people’s heads no matter how hard they try! But most-importantly, here’s to your first 1000 episodes, and the 1000 more that’ll probably come in the future!

1000 episodes…that’s a really long time for Ash to remain a 10 year-old, no? You should probably fix that, it’s been long enough!

Disaster Report: Hellsing

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There are few things more thrilling for a manga fan than to see one of their favorite series make the jump to television.  It’s not just the joy that comes from seeing the story and characters you enjoyed previously come to life, there’s also the delight of new viewers becoming new readers and fellow fans and the occasional satisfaction in seeing these adaptations become critical, if not commercial successes.  More than a few of us are enjoying this feeling right now as we watch this season’s adaptations of The Ancient Magus’ Bride and Land of the Lustrous.  That being said, for every successful adaptation there are countless others that simply miss the mark.  Few of those shows can be said to be as disappointing as the 2001 anime adaptation of Kouta Hirano’s Hellsing.

Hellsing is the story of the Hellsing Organization, a secret military force led by the steely Sir Integra Fairbook Wingates Hellsing.  Her goal is to protect England from both supernatural forces and the ever-present threat of the Catholic Church, all in the name of Queen and Country.  Her secret weapon is Alucard, an immensely powerful vampire who takes no greater delight than doing battle with what he sees as lesser beings.  He is assisted by Seres Victoria, a former policewoman turned vampire and Hellsing operative, as well as Walter, Integra’s butler and master of the garrote wire.  Ultimately all of their skills and strength are put to the test when a mysterious figure known as the Major unleashes an army of supernaturally enhanced Nazi ghouls upon England, resulting in an orgy of psychedelic violence that threatens not only London but the world itself.

Hellsing is not a terribly deep work as far as manga goes, but there’s something irresistible about Hirano’s commitment to outrageous action pieces, wild leering faces, and the occasional bit of oddball or morbid humor.  It certainly worked for me, as it was one of the first manga I ever read and one I still enjoy to this date.  It was popular right from its start back in 1997, so it’s not shocking that four years later it would be picked up by Studio GONZO for a single season of anime.  The problem was only two volumes worth of manga had been published by the time the anime went into production.  Worse still, there was no overarching plot to tie them together, as Hellsing’s story didn’t properly start until Volume Three.


Then there was the fact that Studio Gonzo was working on it.  While they were nearly a decade old at this point, they were still relatively new at producing anime on their own and were already garnering a reputation for shows that started to drag visually and narratively after the first few episodes.  Still, they were bringing in some talented staff, including Umanosuke Iida, who had previously the majority of the Mobile Suit Gundam: 08th MS Team OVAs.  They also hired Chiaki Konaka as the main screenwriter, who was at this point known for his work on Serial Experiments Lain and The Big O.  Perhaps it was thought that their talent could compensate for the lack of source material and any animation shortcomings.  In retrospect, their presence would be something of a mixed bag.

Hellsing is at its strongest when it sticks to the books.  All the notable moments from the first two volumes are there: Seras Victoria’s rebirth as a vampire, Alucard’s initial fight with the supernatural Vatican priest Alexander Anderson, the flashback detailing how Alucard became Integra’s servant, and the assault on Hellsing Manor by the vampiric Valentine Brothers.  Even when stretched out generously, though, these stories only covered half of this show’s thirteen episodes.  The rest of the time is spent on Konaka’s original content, and when it makes that shift the show’s spirits sink. 

Konaka was a talented screenwriter in his day, but you would have to work hard to find a worse match for this sort of material than him.  People like Hellsing because it’s outrageous, irreverent, and positively gleeful in its ultraviolence.  In comparison, Konaka’s additions are too serious, too small-scale, too dull and too dreary to mesh with the other half of the show.  In any other show, these stories would be mostly mediocre; here they might as well be boredom incarnate.  Things do ramp up near the end as he tries to tie it all together to a conspiracy involving “freak” chips, an army of artificial vampires, and a creation known only as Incognito, but it simply can’t compare to the glorious, gore-ious heights of Hirano’s original work.


Of course, the character design for Incognito doesn’t help things. Seriously, look at that thing!  That’s not a vision of horror, that’s a rejected design for a minor villain from one of the lesser Dragon Ball Z movies!  The only thing more ridiculous than this character design is how the entire show ends.  Quite plainly, it doesn’t.  While Incognito is defeated in the end, none of the questions about who was controlling Incognito or making the freak chips are ever answered.  Even if you enjoyed the original content for some reason, this move has to feel like an insult to injury.  I can only guess if this happened either because the staff was confident they would eventually get a second season to address them or simply didn’t care at that point.  I’m not sure which option is worse.

It doesn’t help that the show doesn’t really know what to do with its main cast.  They certainly have no idea what to do with Walter or Alucard outside of battle, so the former is barely seen and the latter mostly monologues to himself.  Integra spends most of the show on the sidelines before she ends up getting turned into a damsel for one of her vampires to save.  While she’s not entirely helpless, it’s quite the unpleasant change from the determined, cool and intelligent commander that I so greatly admired in the manga.  The only character who gets any sort of improvement is Seras.  She’s rather neglected in the manga outside of her relationship with Pip Bernadotte, but here the writers try to turn her into a protagonist and give her a proper arc.   She struggles with her transition into undeath, as well as her confidence as a soldier.  There are even some feminist undertones thrown in, as we see time and again how men on both sides of the conflict underestimate Seras because of her looks and gender.  While they drag out her indecisiveness a little too long for her and the show’s own good, she grows enough as a character to reach a mildly satisfying conclusion, arguably the only one to be found on the entire show.


The visuals are just as uneven as the writing.  It’s clear that GONZO didn’t have much money to spare for the animation and had to spread it thinly outside of the more notable action scenes.  It goes out of its way to frame conversations so as to avoid showing a character’s mouth (and sometimes their faces) to avoid having to animate lip flaps.  Walk cycles are noticeably jerky and fights can shift on a dime from fluid animation to barely animated, Photoshop-heavy stills.  The show tries to compensate for the garishly bright color palatte of early digipainting by washing out the color palattes of the human characters and making the show as shadowy as possible for maximum moodiness.  This ended up backfiring, as the end result ended up looking washed out and muddy on DVD and only rarely captures the rich shadows and wildness of the original art.  Later high-definition releases the color issues to some degree, but not enough to save the show.  This is a production that’s simply not capable of capturing the original manga’s style nor capable enough to forge one of its own.

The most frustrating thing about the show is that it’s not completely incompetent.  There are quite a few stylish shots and sequences scattered throughout, particularly in the early episodes and in the finale.  The score, created by the experimental rock musician Yasushi Ishi, is full of jangly, sleezy tunes that are a delight to listen to on their own.  It was one of the rare shows where the dub and sub voice casts are equally good, which is saying something considering how excellent the original Japanese voice cast is.  Jouji Nakata lends a certain stateliness to Alucard, Yoshiko Sakakibara gives Integra the sort of stern authority she needs, and Fumiko Orikasa makes Seras sound sweet and youthful but never childish or ditzy.  That’s a tough act to follow, but ADR director Taliesin Jaffe was more than up to the task. 

He not only cast actors who matched the original in pitch and timbre as possible, but went the extra mile in casting actual English actors in many of the major roles.  It lends the proceedings a bit of verisimilitude, and in particular I could listen to Victoria Harwood’s low, smooth, Cate Blanchett-esque performance as Integra all day.  Of course, the real standout was Crispin Freeman as Alucard.  He was already established as an anime voice actor when this dub was originally made, but back then he was known for lighter, more comedic roles such as the title character from The Irresponsible Captain Tylor or Zelgadis from Slayers.  Here he goes all out, performing the role with gusto and lending Alucard a growliness that is equal parts threatening and alluring.  This dub is quite frankly better than such an uneven and dull show deserves, and it stuck with anime watchers long after the show fell out of print.


Despite its failures, Hellsinggot something that most bad anime adaptations don’t get: a second chance.  It seems that Geneon was aware of both the show’s popularity in the West and the frustration fans felt over how the story was handled.  That was why the Hellsing Ultimate OVA series was launched in 2005, which would adapt the entire story of the manga beginning to end and bring back the dub cast people loved so much.   While that series is not without its criticisms, it managed to better capture the charms of the source material and bring them to life, thoroughly overshadowing its predecessor in the process.  These days, the Hellsing TV series is nothing but a faded shadow of itself, one that is remembered only as a dud if it is remembered at all.  While I feel that its notoriety is somewhat overstated, I do believe that it is best to leave this series to rest in peace.

Disney and Studio Ghibli: Coming Soon to a Theatre Near You...

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Earlier this year, I wrote a dissertation discussing Disney’s 20 year relationship with Studio Ghibli. Later that year, I followed that with an analysis of the dubbing Disney did for their films. Now, in an attempt to complete the trilogy, I figured I’d discuss Disney’s trailers for Studio Ghibli.

Like with my last piece, I’m setting a single rule: Disney had to have had a hand in the marketing. This means that grey areas, like Princess Mononoke, still count, as the full distribution rights reverted back to Disney once their partnership with Miramax ended. This’ll also only cover the North American trailer of The Secret World of Arrietty, even though The UK did a spectacular job promoting the film in their own right. You ready?



I want to get out of the way something that I think’s been oft-discussed, yet frequently misunderstood: the tone of their marketing. Studio Ghibli are notorious for being slow-paced and meditative. This meditativeness, while a strength, meant that marketing the films here proved a challenge for Disney: how do you advertise a slow and meditative experience for an audience used to fast-moving, action-heavy storytelling? And how do you do it without compromising the integrity of the film in question?

The answer: not always successfully.

I happen to have a soft-spot for the Disney-Studio Ghibli trailers. They’re silly and often overlook the intent of the film(s) in question, but they have a charm I can’t ignore. I don’t like all of them, but even the bad ones have that charm. Then again, part of that could be that I was already 20 years old when I first discovered their movies, so I didn’t have years of pre-existing bias. However, in the interest of being fair, I’ll tackle my thoughts on each briefly:


What even is this mess? (Courtesy of retrotronic.)

We begin with this promo for Castle in the Sky. Ignoring the irony of its release window, the movie’s dub didn’t arrive here until 2003, this promo screams 90’s in a bad way. And I mean really bad. For one, the tone is everywhere, showing clips from the movie in an attempt, I think, to sell the film as a high-octane adventure. They might’ve been onto something, but not like this. Two, the narration doesn’t work. And three, I can’t help but giggle whenever I hear the line “featuring Dawson’s Creeks’s James Van Der Beek as Pazu”. Something about the delivery is ridiculous.

Fortunately, Disney’s release window got wider and wider due to complications, so by the time the dub actually arrived, the trailer’s tone had changed:


There we go! (Courtesy of DoReMiLand.)

See? Much better! It’s still silly, but at least the tone’s consistent and the clips chosen better. Plus, instead of that “featuring _” nonsense, the promotion focused on snippets of reviews of the movie. You could technically label that as propaganda, and you’d be right, but it’s clever advertising. If you want proof, look at how TV spots are structured these days. Chances are they have snippets of praise, right?


I’d say it’s pretty accurate. (Courtesy of beterhans.)

Around the time Castle in the Sky was slated for a VHS/DVD release, we got this gem to match. It’s interesting seeing the early days of these trailers, especially since Kiki’s Delivery Service, Castle in the Sky and Spirited Away received promotions from John Lasseter. Like the above, this is a well-made promo. My only complaint, and this is through no fault of the film, is that the dub opening and closing songs are featured here. I don’t like “Soaring” and “I’m Gonna Fly”, yet licensing issues meant that “Rouge no Dengon” and “Yasashisa ni Tsutsumareta nara” couldn’t be included until the film’s 2009 re-release. Oh well!


Heheh, “Mononokey!” (Courtesy of kindredweasel.)

Studio Ghibli also began making the rounds in North American theatres in the late-90’s. The first film was Princess Mononoke. In keeping with the tone of the film being darker than Hayao Miyazaki’s standard fare, the trailer’s pretty mature. The narrator has his serious voice on, and there are plenty of montage-cuts emphasizing the grim, violent nature of the movie. It also mentions the names of the dub voices without calling attention to them, which I like. Still, that mispronunciation of Princess Mononoke makes me laugh. Princess Mononokey makes a tokie smokey?

Yes, I’m immature.

I have a confession to make: I like this trailer more than the Japanese one. Said trailer’s too long, and it gives away almost the entire film. It’s really jarring when trailers do that, because then why see the movie? A good trailer should get you hyped for a film, not ruin it for you. Fortunately, the dub trailer’s concise and to the point.


Rest in peace, “In a world” guy. (Courtesy of kabamaRu1990yo.)

Of all the trailers here, this is my favourite. Not only because it has the late-Don LaFontaine narrating it, but because its editing and Japanese title cards punctuate the individual sections of the trailer. I’m not even sure if that was a Disney idea, but it works. It works the same way this movie works, and even 15 years after it debuted in North America, it still has the right tone for a film worthy an Oscar. I’d say check it out, but-wait, why am I recommending this trailer like it’s a movie?


Susan Egan makes everything great! (Courtesy of TheIdlingGeek.)

The success of Spirited Away quickly opened the floodgates for Studio Ghibli’s older work, hence this ditty, and the one succeeding it, being made. I’m aware there’s a variant of this trailer with a man’s voice, but it was only used once on the DVD of My Neighbors the Yamadas. And, to be perfectly honest, it wasn’t as good. Besides, I’d much prefer Susan Egan’s voice because it’s Susan Egan, and there’s something wonderful about hearing Megara from Hercules narrate a Studio Ghibli promo.

How’s the trailer? It’s good. It’s a promo for three of Studio Ghibli’s many films, and it divides itself into three part to focus on each. I like how the movies get their own tagline that sums them up succinctly: Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind is “Miyazaki’s epic masterpiece”, Porco Rosso is “Miyazaki’s soaring action-adventure” and The Cat Returns is “at last”. That last one might be a head-scratcher initially, but it fits when you stop and think about it. Either way, an excellent summation of what was to follow.


What was to follow. (Courtesy of TheIdlingGeek.)

If the previous trailer was an analysis of three of Studio Ghibli’s films, then this one’s a sweeping overview of everything Disney owned to that point. There are little details I can nitpick here and there, like how the two films from “master Isao Takahata” are his least-liked, but it’s a solid trailer. Every movie shown gets its time to shine, and it includes one of John Lasseter’s promos to sell the experience. It also manages to promote movies mentioned in earlier trailers without it feeling like it’s retreading. If the Spirited Away promo is my favourite trailer Disney’s done for Studio Ghibli, then this is my favourite DVD promo they’ve done.


An epic love story for all ages! (Courtesy of TheIdlingGeek.)

I happen to like, and dislike, this trailer for one reason: it feels standard trailer-house. I know that Spirited Away’s trailer wasn’t technically as well-edited, but it had a lot of effort put into its thematic structure. This, while more competent, is less-exciting. It also doesn’t get into the nitty-gritty of the film, which is for the best because, as I’ve stated before, Howl’s Moving Castle’s a mess narratively and tonally. It’s a love-or-hate situation here, but the movie was the same.


Meh! (Courtesy of HDtrailerMan.)

With all the talk of Studio Ghibli, it’s easy to forget their worst movie’s limited theatre run in North America. While Disney tried their best, this trailer doesn’t do much to save-face. Not only does the narration, the last that Don LaFontaine did for Disney before his untimely death, oversell the adventure while underplaying the boredom, but the trailer also doesn’t have much of a flow. I also don’t like how the tagline is ripped from the movie. It’s one of the film’s few good lines, and it sucks to see it used as a tagline for an otherwise-forgettable, waste of time. But I guess it’s too late to change that…


"This fish is getting her wish!” *Insert laugh track here* (Courtesy of Walt Disney Animation Studios.)

This trailer is messy. Tonally, it’s everywhere, and the narration, a cheap imitation of Don LaFontaine, quickly descends into classic Disney fare once the narrator gives up imitating the legend. But it’s fun nonetheless. It’s not unlike the movie in that regard: messy, silly, tonally-inconsistent, but still really fun. There’s a surreal charm to Ponyo that makes it more goofy kid’s fare than Miyazaki’s usual, and I definitely appreciate that the trailer didn’t try to play it up as anything else. Of course, I also like how the trailer uses a snippet of the film’s theme song. That’s a nice touch.

Overall, I give it a thumbs up.


*Sigh* (Courtesy of TheIdlingGeek.)

Here’s the one promo I didn’t want to discuss. To promote the then-release of Ponyo on Blu-Ray, Disney made another promo of four of Hayao Miyazaki’s films. It’s a shameless ploy to resell the Castle in the Sky and Kiki’s Delivery Service dubs alongside an unnecessary re-release of My Neighbor Totoro. The trailer itself isn’t terrible, but why resell My Neighbor Totoro when you’ve already sold it a few years prior? Castle in the Sky’s dub also got botched big-time, with not only its added lines being removed, but a re-institution of the original synth score (which, FYI, I was never a fan of.) Even Kiki’s Delivery Service, which returned its Japanese pop songs, suffered from terrible audio remixing. But I guess they wouldn’t tell you that in advance because capitalism, right?

Screw this promo!


Hee-hee-hee! (Courtesy of Disney Movie Trailers.)

I’m not sure what to make of this. I’m aware The Secret World of Arrietty had two trailers for its theatrical release in North America, but this one’s definitely more interesting. I appreciate that they finally ditched the narrator, and it’s definitely more artistically than some of the previous entries, but…why replace Cécile Corbel’s theme, which she translated into English for the UK release, with Sigur Rós Jónsi? It’s such a weird choice that, when factored with the trailer giving everything away, makes for one confused trailer. I guess it works, though?


“The Farewell Masterpiece”? Yeah, about that… (Courtesy of Movieclips Trailers.)

I recognize how weird it is now to say that this is Hayao Miyazaki’s “final film”, since he’s making another movie, but whatever!

Of all of the Disney-Studio Ghibli trailers, this is the best one objectively. It’s not my favourite, but it’s the best-edited, best musically-composed, best clip-selected and best length. I especially like how it doesn’t show the logo immediately, instead letting the atmosphere, which is completely dialogue-free, suck you in. That’s clever, and it’s wonderfully-punctuated by the sparse bits of text. It’s also reminded me of how some critics were a little extreme in their praise. I think “greatest movie the cinema has ever seen” is a bit hyperbolic, buddy! (Besides, that title’s reserved for Spirited Away.)

Overall, like the dubs that Disney did for Studio Ghibli, I think the advertising of these films was pretty decent. I don’t think they had as many home runs as they did in the dubbing department, but you could tell they were trying. Even the “bad” trailers, like I said in the beginning, had their charm, which is more than I can say for many trailers these days. I only hope GKids continues this legacy now that they have Studio Ghibli’s entire catalogue at their disposal; after all, it’d be weird if they-


0_0 (Courtesy of Madman.)

So that’s the direction they’re taking? Okay!

"C'mon Everyone, Let's Mosey" - Introducing The Final Fantasy Journey

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We shall journey on the road that continues... to the Final Fantasy.
 Cid of the Lufaine, Final Fantasy Dissidia.

The first moment Final Fantasy takes your breath away is some twenty minutes in. Your party of four have been introduced-classed and named by the player, and then you're dropped into a world of uncertainty, darkness, and princess kidnap, just outside the sleepy town of Cornelia. Either finding your own way, or being escorted, to the castle's throne room, you meet the local king, who, noting your quartet are bearing crystals, wonders aloud if you're the prophesied Four Warriors of Light, before tasking you to defeat turncoat knight, Garland, who, in a typical braggart move, has kidnapped his daughter, Sarah.

You travel north to a rather fearsome Gothic castle, defeat him and reunite father and daughter. An overjoyed king proclaims that you must indeed be the Four Warriors of Light and rebuilds the bridge between his small island and the north. Your heroes cross. The game freezes, then cuts to white.




And replacing the by now familiar Overworld and its theme, which you've crisscrossed a few times to level up enough to battle the despicable Garland, is a still image of your four heroes. And playing over it, for the first time, is Nobuo Uematsu's iconic theme, simply entitled Main Theme (and elsewhere, as Prologue, or, simply, Final Fantasy.) Uematsu himself describes it as " the song I'd like to be remembered by" and "the most important song in terms of everything I’ve ever done".

As the text scrolls by, that iconic theme, that unmistakable, oft replicated theme, infinitely remixed and reworked and performed theme that runs, like a lifeblood through the franchise, from its beginnings in a small team, on Nintendo's Famicom, through the Super Famicom and the one-two-three punch that is Final Fantasy IV,V and the knockout, VI, three games that evolve, perfect and refine the series to the pinnacle of the truly spectacular sixth game. It continues through a switch to Sony that may well have tipped the console war in the latter's favour, via the blockbuster linchpin that is Final Fantasy VII, the dark horse of VIII, and the farewell of the original team that is IX. Whilst it doesn't appear in the first two games, or indeed in the much maligned thirteenth installment, elsewhere, it otherwise punctuates the series, largely as a final, definite, full-stop late in each game's end credits.

The text that accompanies the music and minimalist, yet perfect visual, is pure Final Fantasy:

"And so their journey began. The four Warriors of Light felt overwhelmed by the great task destiny had placed upon them. They did not know the true significance of the four crystals they held in their hands... The crystal that once, long ago, shone with a light so brilliant. The time for their journey had come. The time to cast off the veil of darkness and bring the world once more into the light."

These themes are things that the franchise and its spin offs return to time and again-a small, plucky group of heroes, either prophesied or self appointed to save the world. We see it in Cloud and AVALANCHE, we see it in Noctis and his Kingsguard, in Lightning and the fellow people branded by the l'Cie, and even in the the series' two MMORPG outings. These heroes return the world to light, time after time, no matter, or despite the cost, often by returning the crystals to their rightful place, or power. Whilst the crystals themselves only occasionally appear, most recently in Final Fantasy XV's otherwise strikingly modern universe, other things replace them in replicating a sense of the world's purity, be it the Lifestream in Final Fantasy VII, polluted by the world-spanning mega corp, Shinra, or in Final Fantasy XII's sundered kingdom. Something is always out of balance and our heroes always restore it to that balance


What precedes this monologue is equally vital in the formation of the series. In just under twenty minutes,  Hironobu Sakaguchi and his team of seven, including Uematsu, artist Yoshitaka Amano and writer  Kenji Terada, have set the bedrock of Final Fantasy firmly in place. Crystals, that light and protect against the darkness. A realistic world, plagued with monsters and evil. Regular and almost epidemic princess kidnap. Large to ridiculous sized swords. Eloquent, more-Shakespearean-than-Shakespeare villains.

Whilst subsequent games would take steps forward in creating characters who have emotional depth, goals, interests, and their own personalities, culminating in the positive soap opera that is Final Fantasy VI's fourteen-strong cast, and graphical advances would bring the work of Amano, Tetsuya Nomura and Akihiko Yoshida closer and closer to photo realism, (belts, spiky hair, ridiculous clothing and all), Amano's flowing visual style is replicated at the cutting edge of late 1980s video game graphics.

In  short, within half an hour, Final Fantasy sows the seeds of a franchise that continues to this very day-the graphics may be closer to a CGI film than blobby 8-bit graphics, with rounded, wonderfully human characters, the music closer to a symphony than tuneful bloops and blips, the game play now free roaming rather than a static back-and-forth turn based melee, but peel back the skin and it's still, down at the bone, much the same simple story. Still Final Fantasy. Yet, whilst the entire game may rest heavily upon the mechanics of Gary Gigax's 1974 roleplaying game, Dungeons and Dragons, down to the stats, the spells, and the monsters, the story and execution is pure and utter Japan.
This is, after all, the point; first, to give the player as close to the experience of a D&D game on a home console as possible (albeit with a sadistic and tight lipped DM) and, secondly, Final Fantasy is very much a Japanese take on a western RPG.

The music comes to an end, the spell is broken.

And I am suddenly thrown back to several points in my life, like that Proustian Madeleine, Uematsu's music awakening, or rather, reawakening, several memories, simultaneously, each note familiar, that way, that on more recent versions, the full orchestra now available to the maestro, the drum furls quietly in the background, the horns rise, the strings rise. It's a tune that I've heard dozens of times before, but never in its original context, never at the beginning of a Final Fantasy game, let alone the first Final Fantasy game, on everything from piano to ukulele.

The first memory is...hazy, I'll admit. I'm maybe fourteen to sixteen, sitting at home on a computer, a decade ago, when Final Fantasy was, very much a closed book to me, a game that other people played on other consoles-I knew a few things about it-a blonde haired scowling young man with a big sword (Cloud, I thought he was called), another man with silver hair, both of whom my mother continues to this day to compare to the late David Bowie, a film called Advent Children, another film, Spirits Within that I remember glimpsing a small section of, at a point where WH Smiths still sold DVDs and games, remember my father commenting on the photorealism of it.
I am listening to music on the nascent YouTube, and I find a full album of beautifully played video game music. At this point, Final Fantasy is very much an abstract concept, (I know there must be at least seven games, if only because of Advent Children), but I play it. 

For the first time, I fall in love with the music of Nobuo Uematsu. reduced though it is to a single, if impeccably played guitar. I play the video constantly, until, one day to my horror, I find that the video has been deleted. I try in vain to find exactly who the guitarist was (Yuji Sekiguchi, I've since learned). By now, I've been playing a few of the spin-off games; the beautifully tough Tactics Advance, and, when given a PlayStation by a well meaning uncle, I finally purchase first a battered second hand copy of Final Fantasy VI, and then, with impeccable luck, I find Final Fantasy VII in a charity shop for the princely sum of £2.50. I play both. I don't get very far, but I find them, particularly VI, an extremely charming duo of games.

I watch Advent Children, finally.

And, at the end of the tale, where Cloud Strife is not quite how I imagined him, (although I promptly set my secondary school PC account to a rather moody wallpaper of his Kingdom Hearts appearance,(not that i knew what that was at that point) now since lost to the ether of Web 1.0), there it is again, at the end of a reprise of themes. Given a full orchestra to spread out across, given an almost baroque quality, as though this is no longer Uematsu's piece, but Uematsu tapping into something centuries-old.. As though, once again, the dream is passing, this time on a grand scale, given such a strength that it brings tears to the eyes. Then,it gathers pace, until, with a final blare of trumpets, it ends, as does the film.


And I am suddenly at university, in a small, warm, cosy house, and we are playing Final Fantasy IX, the final bow of Uematsu as the sole composer, Sakaguchi's farewell before the PlayStation 2 arrives, and with it a fully voiced, awkwardly laughing world, where Nomura is well and truly the artistic driving force, belts, zipper and all. It's been four years since a main-title Final Fantasy game arrived, in the shape of the painfully linear, underwhelming Final Fantasy XIII, Final Fantasy XIV is a game wracked by technical issues-the meteor which rebirths a realm still months from crashing into the world-and the remake of Final Fantasy VII is nothing more than a worn-out joke that only the hardcore believe will ever happen. Final Fantasy has passed its 25th year, I've passed my 20th.

Yet, four twenty-somethings are glued to a game that's over a decade old, as it reaches its denouement, as we send first Kuja, the brother of our protagonist, the Genome, Zidane Tribal, and then the literal embodiment of Death, Necron, packing. The day is won, the princess, (Garnet, who kidnaps herself minutes into the game) is safe, the hero returns, the world is set right. The credits roll on the first Final Fantasy game I have ever completed. Uematsu is back. The theme is back, after a song that's become one of my favourite pieces of Uematsu's music, Melodies of Life, and I finally understand.

This piece of music that opens the first Final Fantasy...is your reward. You've finished another game. You get to hear it again. It anchors the series together, perfectly. What begins the first game, now ends almost every single one too. As we tidy up, I simply sit and listen. The victory seems all the sweeter. And I am sitting in the Royal Albert Hall, a week ago, two of those same friends sitting next to me-the very man who composed the music, Uematsu himself mere yards below-the musicians spread out across the stage, Arnie Roth conducting, as Final Fantasy marches on to 30, and I pass 25. And that same piece of music is playing, as credits roll.


And I decide something, in the gloom, as the audience applaud, the orchestra and Roth, and Uematsu stand to take bows.

I'm going to complete every single numbered Final Fantasy game.

For so long I've enjoyed my friends, close and far, talking about these games, even been blessed enough to talk, at great lengths, about Cecil Highwind, and Firion, and Celes, and Faris, and Squall, and  the veritable horde of characters that make up the cast of the fifteen games.

I've never completed one.

Not a single game.

Despite some of these characters being cherished by myself to the point that one is probably my single favourite video game character of all time, as well as being a character I take strength and influence from, I have never seen them best evil, rescue the girl, (in the cases where girls need to be rescued, rather than being the rescuer,) and bring the world back into balance. And I decide that this needs to change. I don't set myself a deadline, only an order.



Final Fantasy I to Final Fantasy XV. In short, release order. Where possible, I'll play them on the original console, but in some cases (II, III, V), this is simply impossible (私は日本語話せません), whilst others may be cheaper or easier to play on another console or on PC-I don't own an American NES or SNES, so essentially everything prior to Final Fantasy VII will, simply put, be a reissue or remake of the respective game. In every case, when I begin playing a new entry of Final Fantasy, I'll indicate what console I'm playing on-you are, of course, all welcome to suggest which version of each game is your favourite, and indeed to suggest which version (budget permitting) I should play.

Two exceptions. Final Fantasy XI and XIV, the franchise's two Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games (MMORPGS). FFXI is now practically unplayable, with Square Enix cutting support years ago, whilst, FFXIV, despite its obvious attraction, would frankly take me years and several hundred pounds to complete. Check out the very well made Japanese Drama, Final Fantasy XIV: Dad of Light, about a son trying to connect with his father via FFXIV, by the way-it's on Netflix, and is probably the best single series about gaming, and being a gamer, I can recommend at the moment.

Replacing these two games, thus, are Final Fantasy X-2 (entering the batting order after FFX and before FFXII), and Final Fantasy XIII-2 and Lighting Returns (between XIII and XV). If there's enough demand, I'll talk about some of the spin-offs, time and budget willing. But, with no further ado! Final Fantasy I awaits!

So the curtain rises! Perfect!

Kuja, Final Fantasy IX


Final Fantasy I

Sony Playstation Portable (2008)



 I boot up my trusty Dissidia (a fighting game spinoff of the series squaring the heroes (the Warriors of Cosmos) against the villains (Warriors of Chaos)-branded PSP up. I've always rather liked the PSP, despite the thrashing the Nintendo DS gave it in the late 2000s. It has a solidity, a satisfying replication of the PlayStation controller, a surprisingly big screen (before, thanks to the iPhone and other smart phones, big screens were de-rigeur), and I've always quite liked the way it sits in the hands. Matt-white may not be overly practical, but I'm not one to criticize my tools.

Open the back, remove-what else-Dissidia, replace it with the UMD for Final Fantasy I. Close the back. On the PSP's menu, that familiar oscillating harp starts up, Yoshitaka Amano's art of Chaos covers half the screen, a portent of what's to come, albeit with more imagination required than most of the modern Final Fantasy games. After all, for all its interface updates, this is half of a a port of an earlier PlayStation remake, entitled Final Fantasy Origins (2003). Everything may be more polychromatic than the NES/Famicom, but it's still relatively, and charmingly retro, with sprites, no character portraits, and only bosses particularly pushing the visual constraints of even the PlayStation, let alone the more powerful PSP.

Hit X.

A ping, a prelude, an opening cut scene sporting far more advanced set of graphics than we'll see again in this game. Hit "Start". Give the party silly names. Create what I hope is a rounded party. Hit "Start" again.

Text, filling the background of the game out, highfalutin talk of crystals, a quartet of heroes, an encroaching darkness. Then the game dumps me outside a city, shrugs, and settles back into its chair, waiting for you to make the first move. It's fair to say that, for all my praise earlier, the first twenty minutes of Final Fantasy I are not the most user friendly, even updated for the 2000s. We, our party of Warrior, Thief, Red Mage, and Monk, start off, in the grand tradition of all but the most accomplished Dungeon Masters, as a party, outside a reasonably big town.

This is my first, (and at time of writing), my biggest issue with Final Fantasy I. Whilst I have never been one for overt hand-holding or linearity in videogames-and looking at the return, with a veritable vengeance, of the open-world adventure game, I;m not alone-FFI takes this to an extreme. I have no idea where to go, there's little in the way of a guide, there's not even a goddamn map. So, for a few minutes I traipse the small continent. A broken bridge, a jutting and fearful Gothic castle, a mysterious cave containing a dessicated body, and a dead end. I return to the small town, our heroes bruised but more powerful than before. And, after visiting the local inn, resting my party up, I finally head to the northern gate of town, intending to leave and head back onto the world map to gain more power.

The plot finally rears its head as I reach the city gates-there, I'm accosted by one of the town's guard, taken into the castle, and before its monarch, who finally begins to shed some light of who our mysterious quartet could actually be, noting the crystals they carry, whilst his minister attempts to downplay what many believe to be mere legend.
A quest is needed, and one is promptly given-the king's finest knight, Garland, has made off with his daughter, and both insults need to be answered with steel. If our heroes, after all, are truly the Four Warriors of Light, then they should be able to do this easily.

Thus we give chase north, our party now better equipped to fight off the repeated hordes of goblins, werewolves and other fauna that make up the monsters of this first area, our warrior now easily able to dispatch them with a single blow, the Red Mage now groaning under a half-dozen white (defense) and black (offense magic), whilst the thief and monk make for a second and third good damage dealer. We reach the castle quickly, and head inside. For Final Fantasy's first dungeon, it's remarkably simple, almost bare. Once again the game's debt to D&D is laid bare-one can easily imagine Sakaguchi sketching it out on paper late at night. Its purpose is clear-to get the player lost, and then to direct them straight to Garland.


Garland, both as a boss and as a character, is surprisingly underwhelming when I finally come face to face with him. Whilst he's full of bravado, spitting out the line above just before he engages my heroes, even at this early point he's a bit of a pushover, and is promptly dispatched. For now. Sarah is rescued and the game mercifully drops us straight back at the castle. The king proclaims that we must indeed be the legendary heroes prophesied, has the bridge to the continent rebuilt post-haste, whilst Sarah thanks us for her rescue, and presents our party with a lute.

We leave Cornelia, fully stocked with potions, antidotes, and even phoenix downs, and head the short distance north. We reach the bridge. And Uematsu's theme kicks in, all PlayStation era MIDI, loud as my PSP speakers will go. Amano's visuals join in. Sakaguchi's writing joins them. The greatest power trio of gaming stretch their creative muscles for the first time. The cutscene ends. We cross the bridge into new, unexplored lands. A quote, from Final Fantasy VII, still six games, and a decade of innovation hence, suddenly comes to mind:
"You gotta understand that there ain't no gettin' offa this train we're on, till we get to the end of the line".  To the end of the line, then, I think.

The journey, from Final Fantasy I-XV, has begun.

Vic Mignog-UGH!

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A while back, I wrote an article about Vic Mignogna and the dub of The Vision of Escaflowne. Despite not defending his awful behaviour, I made the decision to support his casting as Folken Fanel. I also defended his acting, calling him decent despite his limited range. In hindsight, the article hasn’t aged well, especially given the recent sexual predator allegations in pretty much every industry. It’s equally aged poorly in-light of the following comment:
“I’m sorry I just found this article and I had to comment. One of my friends was 16 when he was her worship leader. He invited her to his house to ‘look at a video of a new worship song he is working on’. He forced his hands all over her and his tongue on her. She got away without being raped but she was screwed up for a long time.”
I’d like to formally apologize for defending Vic Mignogna. I stand by my claims that he’s an adequate actor, but this crosses the line into insta-creepy. The question now remains as to what to do with Mignogna as a VA. I’d say that he should be blacklisted, but that only covers his future work. His past work…is a bit stickier, as some of his material is no longer owned by FUNimation or Sentai.



If you’ll recall, I wrote three rants about Aniplex of America within a year. One of these dealt with the Aniplex gaining control of shows they had a hand in. This included anything Fullmetal Alchemist-related, which I mention because Vic Mignogna had a role in the series as Edward Elric. He’s so ingrained in the mind of anime dub fans that it’d be hard to ignore that, even if he were retroactively dubbed over with a fresh voice.

It’s a dilemma for two reasons: one, the Fullmetal Alchemist IP is old by now. An entire generation of anime fans have already grown up with two adaptations starring him as the lead. Many have even purchased these shows on DVD or Blu-Ray, meaning that they own them with his voice. Even if FUNimation were to re-dub them, it’d mean repurchasing them to erase Mignogna’s presence. And since anime boxsets aren’t cheap, I doubt I can afford to do that.

But this is even assuming it’s possible to re-dub the material. Which leads to my second point: licensing. As you’re no doubt aware by now, FUNimation doesn’t have distribution rights in North America to the Fullmetal Alchemist IP anymore: Aniplex of America does. And given how its current head, Henry Goto, views anime, it’s safe to say that there’s no chance of loaning the license for re-dubbing. Goto, honestly, has no intentions of loaning the license at all, but I’ve already covered that.


In other words, we’re stuck with creepy old Vic, which, honestly, really sucks. And it’s not only Fullmetal Alchemist and Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood that he’s graced his presence with, either. Vic has had major roles in Ouran High School Host Club and RahXephon, as well as minor ones in Darker Than Black and Baccano!, to name a few. Some of these titles are also owned by Aniplex, making it nigh-impossible to re-dub them.

Even outside of that, Vic’s so heavily-attached to the Texas voice acting scene that that it wouldn’t be cost-efficient to re-dub all of his roles since the 90’s. Remember, anime isn’t a multi-billion-dollar industry in the West. It’s popular, and the cauldron’s starting to spill over into the mainstream, but it’s not an instant money-maker like film. (At least, not yet.) Even if anime companies blacklist him, well...that doesn’t mean they can erase his portfolio like magicians.

So we’re stuck. We’re stuck knowing that Vic has made his impact, and we’re stuck knowing that any grace he might’ve had is soured by the allegations thrown at him (which, let’s face it, will boil over soon enough.) But, most-importantly, we’re stuck with a backlog of dubbing work that has his voice. And that sucks, it really does.


But we’re gonna have to manage. After all, this isn’t the first time a VA’s career has gone south. Remember when Scott Freeman came out as pedophile? That was hard to accept too, but anime fans managed. And while it’s not entirely the same, and I still don’t know the full details, Chris Patton’s officially severed his ties with FUNimation. It’s easy to forget that our acting heroes and heroines are people, and they’re flawed.

I get it: it’s awful knowing that a sexual predator’s influence can be felt long after they’ve been exposed. I used to have a lot of respect for Kevin Spacey before he came out as a rapist, and now I can’t think of A Bug’s Life or The Usual Suspects without being reminded of that. I also adored George Takei as an actor and gay/Asian-American activist before he, too, came out as a rapist, and now I can’t look at a picture of him without feeling sick. Those are two of dozens who’ve been outed as predators, and they’ve had a hand in some of my favourite pieces of art. So I sympathize.

I also sympathize with the victims of Vic’s behaviour. As someone who was once forcefully grabbed and kissed by a drunk man while checking theatres, I can assure you that the trauma doesn’t go away. Not all wounds are physical, and sexual assault trauma can scar people for decades. So seeing your attacker’s fingerprints all-over [insert work here]? It’s hard.


But it’s also inevitable, because art doesn’t exist in a vacuum. It not only has different impacts on different individuals at different times, but it isn’t the sole vision of one person. It can be hard to separate art from that one bad egg for everyone else’s sake, even though I’d argue that, sometimes, it’s kinda necessary. It’s necessary because you end up punishing innocent people along with the guilty, and that’s arguably worse.

What needs to happen is a reworking of the system from the inside-out. Institutions need to stop giving predators work, instead holding them accountable. In the same breath, victims need to be given the benefit of the doubt, as opposed to being dismissed and shamed. But, most-importantly, art needs to be respected outside of its human failings, hard as that may be. Because it’s never gonna be 100% clean, it’s not possible.

As for Vic Mignogna? It’s tough to say. I can no longer respect or defend him, but I can respect and defend the shows and films he’s worked on. Because while he might be an issue, the people he’s worked with might not. And it’s too big of a gamble to ignore that.


I’m still gonna watch Fullmetal Alchemist’s dub, however, as I love it too much.

A Rainy Day Chat 001: The Silver Case

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Introducing A Rainy Day Chat, a new podcast here where our staff share some of our favorite pieces of Japanese and Japanese inspired media with each other and various friends and talk about what makes them so great. For our pilot episode, Jonathan invited Tom to look at SUDA 51's The Silver Case, the first major original project he ever directed, now completely remade and and translated. I hope you like talk about the melding of the symbolic and literal, the inherent evils of city infrastructure, the effect the internet has on wider culture, and magical hyena eyes!

Click the title card to listen to the episode.


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